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Comment by DeBorah Ann Palmer on July 3, 2011 at 9:35am

The following is my commentary/essay on sexual abuse, harassment and domestic violence.  It is in response to an article featured in More magazine about how men and women are accomplices to such horrendous acts.

 

Absolution

This is a highly personal response to the article in the current issue of More magazine entitled Attitude written by Deborah Copaken Kogan.  Basically Ms. Kogan discusses American media’s fascination with judging women who have experienced some form of sexual violence.

My first reaction in reading this article was visceral.  I’m not a photojournalist as is my fellow Deborah but over the years I’ve experienced almost as many sexual attacks as she.  I don’t attribute Ms. Kogan’s attacks or mine to our respective jobs, but to society’s acquiescence to male violence on women.  As she goes on to point out rather painfully in her article women are often co-conspirators with men after another woman is sexually harassed by a man.  I won’t recount Deborah Kogan’s year by year and play by play sexual assaults since you can read the article on your own but as I read subconsciously I relived the many horrors inflicted on me over the years.  Until Deborah I don’t remember the years in which these things happened but in my mind I can still see those guys’ faces and feel their filthy grimy hands all over my body.

My sexual assaults and rapes started after I joined the Army.  I recall after coming home on leave my recruiter fixed me up with a fellow who lived in my neighborhood and was also home on leave.  Suffice to say he sodomized me in his parent’s downstairs den on their sofa.  I suppose this is what is now called Date Rape.  Several years later I met the same guy at a local church event.  He remembered me and invited me out.  Thank God I had the good sense not to take him up on his offer.

I kept quiet.  I didn’t tell my father but I should have.  I was young and afraid.

This recruiter also had sex with me in his office.

Once I returned home my Dad and I regularly did the laundry in a local Laundromat.  The owner also had a fish store and another neighborhood business.  Sometimes my Dad would leave me to watch the clothes while he went to get the paper and coffee.  Once my Dad was out of sight this guy forced me to kiss him.  I can still feel his slimy tongue going down my throat.  I was attacked at his other businesses when my parents sent me to do errands.  I blamed myself. I was young and afraid.

I kept quiet and did not tell Daddy.

After I got out of the service in 1981 I went to work for the Reader’s Digest.  One of the guys in the mailroom would call my house to engage in what people today call phone sex. 

I kept quiet and didn’t tell my Father.  I was young and afraid.

The rest of the 80s pass in a blur.  More happened but it’s forced under the surface so I can survive.

By the 90s both my parents died.

In 2000 I met my abuser whom I lived with for seven years.  I was yelled and screamed at, threatened, had my car and money taken from me, and raped repeatedly especially in the last year of our relationship.  Fear ruled my life.  I prayed.  He left me Thanksgiving Day November 2007.  One of my closest girlfriends, (at least I thought she was my friend), blamed me when I told her what happened.  She said I brought it on myself.  In other words the abuse was my fault.  So much for sisterly support.  By the way, she is no longer my friend.  I did get up enough courage to tell her off.

Then there was the incident with a member of the Christian clergy.  I went to this man for pastoral counseling.  Things started off well.  He seemed in the spirit of forgiveness because I had to tell him I was living in sin with my abuser.  He seemed to be rather open minded to this concept.  During the course of the conversation somehow my good looks got into the mix.  He speculated on how much I weighed…..the rest of what he said is buried now, much like my faith in Christian Leadership.  The church which should be a safe haven, a safe harbor, sanctuary is not.

I couldn’t tell Daddy.  Daddy was gone.  Only my Heavenly Father knew the extent of the damage this man inflicted on me.  Since that person left I’ve never again been in a sexual relationship with a man.

Since then I’ve been sexually harassed, verbally threatened and stalked in and outside my workplace by both women and men.  Don’t be fooled women can be sexual perpetrators also.  My sexual orientation was brought into question several times.  Only by the grace of God did I survive the rumors and innuendo.  I’ve also had to endure some pretty horrible commentary about my breasts and behind.  I stopped counting the insults coming from female co-workers.

Those sexual harassment laws or regulations do not work.  They are not enforceable because the victim must show proof.  In other words you need a witness.  As many of you know sexually predators obviously trap you where there can be no witnesses.  They get you alone or call you on the phone.  That’s their M.O.  The only thing that saved me on this job was supervisors and other men of character and integrity who intervened so these guys would not maim or kill me.

One other thing I have in common with Ms. Kogan besides our first names is that we are both small framed short women.  I’m five foot one.  I weigh between 110 and 115 pounds.  Thus like Ms. Kogan I’m a convenient seemingly helpless target for men with twisted sexual psyches.

Domestic violence, sexual abuse and rape of girls and women are condoned by the courts, many cultures, religion and society in general.  Women have been reduced to sex objects via the media and especially through the Internet. 

Will I be strong like my Biblical namesake in the book of Judges.  Only if Jael stands with me with the tent peg in her hand ready to strike the sleeping giant.

In the meantime, I’m still afraid and I still can’t tell Daddy.

 

 

Comment by CrystalWatts.com on May 27, 2011 at 4:51am

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Comment by Hardest Working Woman In Credit on November 4, 2009 at 12:04pm

Stop by and join the fan club at www.creditadviseforyou.ning.com. Make sure you re-post the videos and forward the videos. It's time for change and millions of people do not know the truth about credit. The BLAME is on the consumer. But who forgot to TEACH THIS IN OUR SCHOOL SYSTEM AND COLLEGE.

Thank you for you assistance. Be blessed and remember to bless others. If we want change, it's up to us to change.

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Comment by Hardest Working Woman In Credit on July 30, 2009 at 3:50pm

Despite what you may have heard or read. I'm going to share some helpful tips for you. Contray to what someone may have told you etc.. It is NOT a good idea to get everything in BOTH of your names. Certain accounts like a home yes.. But you must be very careful when planning you finances as a married couple.

Our colleges do not teach us this information. You only find out by making the mistakes after the fact. My mission is to educate you about credit and how it can impact your life. Especially, when it comes to having GOOD CREDIT. If you are young and have not been impacted.. you may want to avoid the following mistakes.. If you have made them. there are ways to attack them and correct them..If you cannot get approved for that house or car, you may want to join my fan club. Also, get the book INNOCENT VICTIMS online at Barnes and Nobles. You can ask me questions and I will help you get on the RIGHT track through my fan club www.creditadviseforyou.ning.com

There are so many tips to avoid and I do not what to overwhelm you with credit Jargon. However, just know that your degree does you no good if you are not prepared for LIFE. You can get a good job and struggle day to day-pay check to paycheck.. even with a college degree.

What do you Avoid?
Avoid creating DEBT together. Do not put everything in your NAME together. This is one of the biggest mistakes couple make. To be honest, I did it at age 18..

The other costly effect of getting everything together is that you could both suffer if the marriage does not work. You both will end up with bad credit, especially if both of you decide not to pay any of your accounts that you got together(while being married).

Make sure you know what your husband/wife may add you too aswell. Know the pros and cons and get in the game of life.. You can survive the game if you know the FACTS.

Author of Innocent Victims-A must read for ALL Americans

Comment by Hardest Working Woman In Credit on July 20, 2009 at 12:05pm

Here is a tip to save you money. Keep building and staying on top of your game..

Many of us pray and ask God to bless us and yet we don't know a blessing when we see one..

With that said, if you are a credit card holder with Carnival Seamiles, Juniper, or Barclays. This information is for you. If you are not and have received something similar in the mail by another company, you might want to take HEED.

The companies that make money and get rich off consumers are figuring out ways to do it, even in times of crisis. I recently received another letter from the company above regarding the CHANGE in terms of my account. This may or may not have had anything to do with the current behavior of my account..

However, when you get information/disclosures in the mail READ the information. Companies must send it to you by law. I have a similar blog about this you may want to read that as well.

I won't explain this in percent form because many people may not understand. My form of writing is a simplified version due to the nature and how important it is. Here goes...

If you are being charge 40.00 a month for a card and the company writes you and inform you that the card will now be 100.00 a month.. What are you going to do? Are you going to pay them the 40.00 or 100.00? Another other words, your interest rate could be 10% and jumps to 29%.

The letter states that I have the option to accept the higher amount(so they can make money off me) or close the account.. I have chosen to close it... Just think about it for minute.. If everyone decided to close their account in one day. That company would go out of business. Consumers are not standing together. Instead, fighting against each other, just as some families do.

NOW there is a catch and you will find this in my book. YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO CLOSE CREDIT CARDS.. the reason is because you will loose points on that card.. When you know the game of credit you can reposition your self. Just as I am about to do. I am going to close the account because it is costing me way to much money.. the card is bad for me and will cost me.

On the flip side, I am going to get my points back from another lender....YOU win some and loose some. GET IN THE GAME...

Now Read INNOCENT VICTIMS of credit and get educated and play the game.. Join my fan club at www.creditadviseforyou.ning.com and stay in the loop with credit knowledge..

Comment by QuellyRue Designs on July 14, 2009 at 4:30pm

Thank you for the invite!

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Comment by Lori-Ann Thompson on June 11, 2009 at 10:00pm

Thank you for allowing me to join this group. I think it's vitally important that we as women have an outlet to express ourselves.
A great organization that is doing wonderful things for women is the Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation. "Throughout her life, Mary Kay Ash showed others how to live and how to give. She gave hope to women who lacked opportunity, self-esteem and financial support. Now her legacy of love lives on through the Mary Kay Ash Charitable Foundation,which she began in 1996. Our mission is to eliminate cancer and to end the epidemic of violence against women."
Visit now and make a difference in women's lives across the nation and world.

Comment by Hardest Working Woman In Credit on April 20, 2009 at 12:17pm

CHALLENGE YOURSELF
REPOSITION YOURSELF
EVALUTE YOURSELF
DIRECT YOURSELF
INSPIRE YOURSELF
TRUST YOURSELF



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We asked for CHANGE and it is up to us to make change happen.
Don’t spend the rest of your life paying INTEREST and working for nothing.

My vision is to build a network that gives advise to people regarding credit. Send your family and friends to be apart change in 2009. No membership fee.

Thank you for your support in advance.
Regina
www.reginalittles.com

Comment by Annie(nora) on February 27, 2009 at 3:44pm

Hello to all this is a wonderful idea...because I really do like to speak out at times..you know as being a mother (a single mother of 2 kids by choice) sometimes it gets challenging..but I pray and maintain. I am the author of me and my kids destiny and the lord is the author of my faith....I am a 33 year old woman...yet I see the younger generation(being females that are in their teen years ) having babies and thinking its cool or thinking that they are grown. My way of giving back to the communities is to mentor these up and coming young ladies...to let them know that they can do great things...far greater things than on their backs)!!.....Women are the backbone of this great earth. and if our women dwindle away..if our hope flies away in each other .then what do we have. I have a 4 year old daughter and I pray that what I instill in her now and in the years to come molds her into a great woman!!!.....I challenge to all..let's help our young females..it may be a next door neighbor..some of your own kindred and spend a little time mentoring....thanks!

Comment by SatRa on February 27, 2009 at 3:30pm

Phylicia,

Thanks for the invite!

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