“ Wow! You are so talented! You really have been blessed with the voice of an Angel!” “You are such an encouragement to so many people.” “Every time I hear you speak in church I feel warm inside.” “Look at her dress! It’s so Pretty!” “Girl you stay with some fierce shoes.” “ Your Beauty is Breathtaking!” All of these accolades on a weekly and sometimes daily basis kept me with an enormous smile on my face in front of people as I looked at them through eyes which had seen and experienced way TOO MUCH misery. This misery prompted tear stained pillows, puffy/swollen eyes, sleepless nights, binge eating, and reluctantly waking up everyday.
I wondered how could these countless people see something so wonderful when they looked at me and how I was able to feed their spirits when I sang and preached YET I felt like I was literally dying a slow, painful death Mentally and Emotionally. I began to write about how I felt daily in either journal form or short phrases to try to let out my emotions of feeling abandoned and abused by LOVE.
LOVE... I gave so much of it away in my relationships and thought that I would be loved the same way in return because surely they would see what everyone else saw in me. And yes, they surely did see what everyone else saw in me BUT it wasn’t enough for them to LOVE me the way “I” needed to be loved. You see anyone can love you but can they LOVE YOU catered to the Specifications of what YOU NEED?
I began to notice that I was losing me… The Me that everyone looked forward to seeing just to get a glimpse of as a glimmer of HOPE! No longer was I able to get the reminder of who “I AM” by looking in the mirror and seeing a beautiful woman. Because now this woman that I saw I didn’t even recognize. I would look at pictures of myself as a reminder of who “I AM” and this made things worse because NOW I was looking at a picture of a woman who ALLOWED herself to become “SEEMINGLY” lost and hopeless despite the pain. Wondered if I’d ever smile, laugh and get the sting of death out of the pit of my belly. And then it happened; I finally opened my mouth in a weak and feeble voice and said, “Lord, Help Me.” It was at that point where HE allowed me to “SEE” keyword “SEE” that I could not depend on relationships with MEN to keep me afloat in life and to GIVE me life.
I had to get to the “HEART” of me and learn how to LOVE ME Flaws and All. I had to start a Straight, No Chaser and Non-Sugar Coated Mission of “Girl, Get It Together” with myself. The same life I spoke to other people I had to speak it into myself. Yes, literally talk to myself and say, “You listen here! You will NOT die in this situation. Look at all you have accomplished in your life and all that the Lord has allowed you to make it through. You mean you are just gonna give up and let the devil make a mess out of your life? Certainly NOT!” I had to look myself in the mirror puffy eyes and all and say, “You are a Beautiful and Priceless Gem and if no MAN ever sees it you Better get to seeing it for yourself!” At that point I determined to EVERY DAY…One Day at a Time Fight for My Life with one hand and stretch my other hand Straight Forward and LIVE!
Confronting Me meant and means seeking the Lord first, Keeping MYSELF in Check, and Placing Myself in a Position where “I” LOVE ME the way “I” need to be LOVED. This can only be done with the help of the Lord!
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