Many of my husband's co-workers ask him, "How is it possible that you and your wife do not argue." They find it mind boggling that my husband and I do not argue. Do not get me wrong, we do have disagreements, but we do not argue. One reason could be due to the fact that we both came from households where we witnessed our parent's arguing a lot. Both my husband and I made a conscious decision before we met that we would not argue in front of our children if and when we ever married. Arguing in front of children is very damaging to the children and may have lasting negative affects.
Another reason could be attributed to the fact that we both love and respect one another's opinions and do not think that one person is better than the other. We are a team. Each one of us represents one half and together we make a whole. I communicate my needs to my husband and I ask him what his needs are (because as everyone knows most men are not big on talking or volunteering their feelings). Most of the time, we do not agree with one another. But, that is ok. We each recognize that we are completely different individuals who were raised differently. Both my husband and I recognize that each us of has valuable experience, information, and knowledge to contribute to our relationship. When we do not agree on a topic, we discuss it and see it from the other person’s perspective. A lot of the time we are able to see the other person’s point of view and are persuaded to change our point of view to that which made the most sense.
Couples need to recognize that arguing does not solve anything. It is just an angry exchange of words. The underlining of anger is hurt. When many people argue, it is usually due to a lack of being unable to communicate their needs. When arguing leads to angry heated words being thrown at one another. It is typically due one or both of the individuals’ feelings of hurt that they are unable to verbally express or communicate to the other person. Anger and frustration are simply hurt masked and wrapped up and presented as intense hurtful words.
It is very important and essential to communicate to your spouse. I am very concerned with black families and want to see our black marriages strengthened and enhanced. There is nothing more precious than black love.
For if we fail to love ourselves, how can we expect other's to love us.
Nicole L. Arkadie
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