Reflections
Is Love Blind
Or do we choose to see only what we want
I can see clearly now
We all have to look in the mirror to see ourselves. Sometimes we do not see what others see. We see what we believe about ourselves not necessarily what is real. Sometimes we see what our mind tells us and sometimes we see what our heart tells us; our self-image may be a mixture of both.
The story I have told is very 'one-sided' in many ways. It tells of the hurt I felt. This hurt was real to me, however it does not tell of the hurt I caused that was just as real to my husband. When I face my judgment day, I will have to account for every word I spoke and ever thing I did. I have to reflect on me because this is the only way I can heal.
When I look back I cannot believe some of the things I did. This was not me. I say that, I believe this, and I know it to be true; so why can't I accept the same from my husband? Why can't I accept that the things he did were not who he really is? I must accept this just as I ask him to accept me for who I am...who I truly am even through the things I did.
I yelled and I cursed.....oh how I yelled. I said hateful and hurtful things. I was selfish and controlling. At the time, I would have argued each of these admissions. At the time, I would have believed I was doing the right thing. I know now that I caused my husband to hurt in many ways also. I must admit my faults. The first is that I did not respect him as my husband; I did things that belittled him. I had been a single mom for 20 years and had only my son to turn to. This became a habit for me and I didn’t realize the hurt it caused my husband. If there was something to be done; I would instantly say “let me ask (my son)” I should not have done this, I should have asked and accepted my husband’s word and opinion. Another variation of this is that he would say something and I would not acknowledge that he said it until I heard the same thing from someone else. By doing this I made him feel like I was not listening and I didn’t put any importance to what he said; it made him feel like I cared what others thought or said more than what he thought or said. I should have known this because I felt the same way. I have a very bad habit of talking…and talking…and talking…This caused many pains. First it made my husband feel like I was treating him like a child. It is not uncommon for me to say something several different ways and many times over. I did not mean to make him feel like a child, this is something I really need to work on because not only did this cause my husband pain; I was also causing some of my own pain. My husband would tend to “tune me out” after a while or after my story was repeating and this would make me feel like he was not listening or like he didn’t care what I had to say when in reality I was saying the same things over and over again.
The next fault of mine is that I was very controlling. I had to have everything my way because if I controlled the way things were, I would be sure they were done correctly. I was so used to doing everything for myself and my children. In my mind I had to do everything to be sure all was taken care of; I had to be sure all problems were solved. Because of my mind set, I took charge in every situation and did not allow my husband to be the “man of the family”. My mind had convinced me that I was taking care of him. I would nag about everything; thinking that I was just making sure everything was getting done. The Bible says it is Better to live out in the desert than with a nagging, complaining wife. Proverbs 21:19 & Proverbs 27:15 says An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike. This was me and I had no idea I was hurting him and I was not acting like his wife. I was being a mom like I have always been. He didn’t need a mom he needed a wife.
One of the faults that I hate about myself the most is in the things that came out of my mouth. It is still hard for me to believe that I cursed the way I did. I had not ever cursed like this before in my life. I not only cursed, I said some very hurtful and hateful things. I told my husband he was a crack-head whore, I told my husband that I hated him. There is no way for me to say I am sorry for the words that came out of my mouth.
The guilt I feel for the ugly words I said and the way I acted will haunt me forever….who am I to complain about the names he called me when I did the same to him? Who am I to judge him when I will have to stand before God for the things I did to him?
Stop … Think … Reflect
Only God can judge
We are all unique in the way God made us
Stop and see who you are before you judge others
Think and Thank God for all of our differences
No one is perfect … we all have faults
Reflect and look inside yourself
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