Lately i where thinking more and more about the status from black people here in the US and somewhere in europe.As for me, i grew up in germany.It was a tough and hard time and i hatet it, and hatet me and hatet the world and special everybody.My mothere, a redhead german woman, had a love story with an black US soldier. One of this guys who have been overseas and had lots of fun.i never met him.in fact, everybody lie to me and they told me that i'm half italian... pah, as i grew up, more and more i understood that i do not look anything italian like.I have been the only black person in my family, in my school, and in the city i grew up. nobody else has been black. ocasinaly i have seen in TV black people when i got older... Michael Jackson, Donna Summer, and such people, but they have been like out of space people for me because TV is not a thing i considered as something real.Only cyber people have been black... and mei allways have been different, girls did not liked me, boys did not dated me and their parents called me neger, what is like th n word here in the US.i have been all my life the neger and i hatet me, my family and the world for it.in the age of 9 i tryed with an heavy duty cleaning powder an a lavastone, to rubb this black coating out of my face.It did not worked, besides a big bad infection it has not changed anything.It the age of 12 i jumped from a bridge in a river, had enough and i did not wanted anymore. i can not swim and i where thinking t hat is the dafest and easiest way of ending all.what should i say, not even that worked out because somebody have sitted under the bridge, fishing and he saved me.In the age of 14, i met the first other black human being in real life, i steered at her like she really came from an other star. i was not able to believe that there are others being so wrong like i was.i followed her like a little dog.we became somewhen "friends", as a 14 year old can be friends with an 30something year old black woman who has been a musician.my life changed somewhat, but not enought to make me feel better or right.i feeled wrong my whole life long when i was young.Ok, i'm not sooo old, born in the 1968, it is not so much time ago.I moved and traveled since i have been 16. Since i mostly grew up in 14 different orphanages and with 9 different foster parents AND between that places at my families place, i had with 16 my nose full of the people who decide for me what have to be the best for me, and that without asking me how or what i fee.i just remember that they moved me somehow every 6 or 8 month to a new "home".none of that places ever have been my home and none of that places has been nice.One place has been good, between 8 and 10 years i had a foster family who really liked me and they wanted even adopting me. they have not letted them and they moved me again.people allways, besides them, gave me the feeling that i'm wrong.my nose was to wide, my underlip to big, my hair to nappy, my hands and feets to slim a nd long, my butt to different, my eyes to black and my face to dark... under the line, has not been anything nice or fine or just only ok.still i somewhat have a strange feeling about me, my color and my being. but it is ok and most time i do not even think about. at least not aslong nobody just kicks my nose right on it.i had that at the place where i lived before. as being an somewhet seriously and professional business person, people have had problems with taking my business and me for real. many backed out of making business with me at the moment they figured out that i'm black...my personal ego is not big, it does not even need to be big. I know what i'm, i know how am i'm looking like, but i also know what i'm able to do.i was living an many different countries to seek for the heaven for people with my color. i have not been able to find that heaven for many many years.i learned many differnt languages from the countries i used to live, i understood the languages but i did not like t he meanings when it came to the things of black people.finaly i have moved 2 and somewhat years ago to the US.Now, for me, i found the heaven. it is here, in america...i think that native black americans may not believe it, but, there is not such other place where we can feel save and right.landing the first day in atlanta gave me almost a shock... all people at the airport seemed to be black.gosh, nobody is anymore looking at me. i'm one from many and nobody takes notice about my being black...i'm almost 41 year old and with almost 40 i learned to relaxe and not ever anymore to excuse my color.in fact, here i just be.america has his own issues, that for sure. there are many things i dislike about this country. but, as being a black person, it seems to be the best place to be somewhat relaxed about being black.thank you all your black people in this country that you are around me, somewhere, to make me feel good
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