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There she was standing at the top of this long staircase. She looked beautiful, she wasn't wearing a wig, that was her real hair. I could tell the difference and she didn't look frail and chaulky gray. Her cheeks were full and had color to them. She was mommy again. Her smile was so radiant too, she wasn't sad like she had been recently.
I was so happy to see her, I needed to run to her and wrap my arms around her. I started to run up the stairs to meet her but then something happened that caught me off guard. My mother raised her voice at me. She never did that before and her smile was gone, she looked like she was suddenly frightened or trying to save or protect me from something. "NO" she said, and with disbelief in a wimpering voice I said but Mommy I want to go with you, please I'm going to be a good girl, please take me with you. "No" she said, you can't go with me this time." Why Mommy? Why? My mother then said "I need you to listen to me, will you do that for Mommy?" In a trembling voice, trying not to cry I said yes Mommy I'm listening. "I want you to be a good little girl for Mommy, I want you to listen to your Daddy and do what he tells you to do like a good little girl." I said I will Mommy, you know I will. "I want you to also pay attention to your grandparents, will you do that too." Yes, Mommy, I suddenly had this deep feeling of loss, like something was sucking the life out of me, something was wrong and I didn't know how to deal with it or fix it. Trying to be a good girl, trying to be a big girl. Then suddenly I said NO, I WANT TO GO WITH YOU MOMMY and then she very sweetly and lovingly said to me "you can't go baby, Mommy needs you to be a good girl, I need you to be strong and I need you to look out for your younger brother and sister." She then said I love you. I said I love you too Mommy. Then she turned away and went through the door and like magic the staircase and the door disappeared.
Then I was startled by the front door slamming. It was my father. I ran up to him and told him the sad news. I said Daddy, Mommy isn't coming home this time. "STOP" my father shouted, I thought to myself wow both of them yelled at me for the first time in today. My father said "don't say that, Mommy is going to get better and she'll come home like she always have." Then with tear filled eyes I looked at my father and told him no she won't not this time, she left and she wasn't coming back. Then my father looked at me and said, "she has to come home, she has to, we need her." I then realized I had to stop crying and had to do what my mother asked me to do before she left. It was time for me to be a good big girl for my Daddy, my brother and my sister.
Lois Zenobia Jenkins passed October 1968. She was 22 and I was 4. And to this very day deep inside of me is their is that same little 4 year old girl trying to be a good girl tying to be a big girl.
Zenobia's Daughter
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