I LIVE SO I CAN LAUGH THIS IS AN EXCERPT FROM MY BOOK. IT IS ABOUT THE BIRTH OF MY 1ST BORN SON. July 5th 1987. It was hot and sticky and I was sooo restless it was crazy. My swollen belly seemed as if it was ready to pop. Anything that touched my stomach hurt like hell. I got up early and began cleaning everything in site. My Grandmother came into my room and told me "you're just about ready to have that baby". I asked her how she knew and she said "because you're cleaning everything". There's something maternal in every mom-to-be that causes them to clean their surroundings in preparation for birth. Animals also start cleaning their nests and dens preparing for the birth of their offspring. When I thought about it, it did make sense. Although everything around me was clean , I was still trying to make sure my baby came home to nothing but cleanliness. I would have blown away a dust bunny with a shotgun if I saw one under his crib. Everything in my room was sacred to me. I often had friends who would visit and immediately pick up his little teddy bears and other baby things. If they knew the rage I felt when they did that, they would have dropped everything and ran the hell out of my room. I was always thoughtful of other people's belongings and made sure I didn't invade their space. I was never one to overstay my welcome either. Howcome they couldn't do the same? As the evening arrived, I noticed that I started having contractions. I didn't think much of them because I had started actually feeling them in my 6th month. They were false contractions. I guess my body was practicing for the real thing. I was early as well. I had at least an entire month more to go. Late that night I tossed and turned. I talked to my son. I sang the ABC's, sang the 123's and other nursery rhymes. I talked to my baby boy and told him that we were going to be ok. I promised him that I wouldn't allow anyone to hurt him. If I could have rolled out an ancient scroll and signed it with my blood I would have done so. I knew I was going to give birth to someone that would change the world. Society was already against my baby. He had 3 strikes already before he was even born. He was male, he was black and he was going to be smart as hell if I had anything to do with it. I knew how I would raise him and I knew all the values I would instill in him. I would teach him about the world and all the bullshitters in it and despite what society would say about him , I was going to make sure he wouldn't end up a statistic. The Heavens began to move. It was time. I got up early in the morning, around 5am. My contractions were coming harder and faster. My back was killing me. I had already heard about all the horrors of childbirth so I was trying to prepare myself. I took a cab by myself to the Hospital, they checked me and saw that I was in active labor. I was afraid because I thought it was too early. Please God protect my little man. My cousin showed up. I was glad because I didn't want to go through childbirth alone. I think that is the saddest thing for a mother-to-be to go thru. Giving birth with no one there to help you. I had labor pains in my back. That is the worst kind of labor pain you can have. It felt like someone stuck a knife in my lower back on the left side and continuosly twisted it. That's the only way I could decribe it. I went through 12 hours of labor and decided near the end to get an epidural. When the anesthesiologist showed up with that big ass needle I immediately changed my mind. That needle looked like something out of a horror movie. There was no way I was going to be stuck with that shit. I just started breathing and trying to get through the labor. My Doctor came back in and after a quick exam, said I was 10 cm's. I was happy as hell. Then I was scared shitless. Wait a minute, I gotta push a baby out! Holy shit! I gotta push a baby out! Why hadn't I thought about how he was going to get out? Oh no! I don't think I could do this! It was time to push. How do I push? Push what? After a quick how-to session, I began to push. My heart felt as if it was going to burst out of my chest! I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed! Finally his head began to crown! That's what the Doctor was saying. My cousin was saying that she could see his hair. I didn't give a shit at that moment, I wanted him out of me! I pushed real hard again and he was half way out. OH MY GOD! Is that MY son? My eyes began to well up with tears. I couldn't believe it! I started crying as the rest of him was birthed. He was so red, like an indian. He had a head full of hair and had my juicy lips. My heart swelled with an unbelieveable amount of love that couldn't be measured in a billion years. Amazingly, there was a knot in his umbilical cord. He was bouncing around in there like crazy. I watched the nurses and Doctors like a hawk. They weighed and measured him and cleaned him up. The nurse asked me if I wanted "rooming in" or if I wanted him to stay in the nursery. I looked at her like she was crazy as hell and answered "rooming in". There was no way I was letting him out of my sight! As I was cleaned up and prepared to go to my designated room the Nurses told me that they were going to take him to the nursery to put him under a light and to perform all the necessary tests for a newborn. I think they saw the look on my face so they elaborated a lil bit more on what they were actually going to do to him. They had to reassure the hell out of me because I wasn't having no bullshit. What surprised me was how protective I had already become. It was scary. I was thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts. I thought about someone trying to kidnap him, I thought about some Nurse playing herself and trying to sell him on the black market and thought of some woman who's child wasn't that cute trying to switch my baby with hers. What ever negativity there could be, I thought of it. As soon as the Nurse brought him back I checked every inch of his tiny body. I looked for his birthmark as well as memorized every hair on his head. I couldn't sleep at all because I was up watching and waiting for someone to come in my room and try something stupid. I was so tired but my fear wouldn't allow me to sleep. I was like a zombie in that bed. I was ready for anything. I kept my eyes on him all night long. I kept kissing the hell out of his face and lips and arms and legs and smelling his breath and hair and just kept checking his fingers and toes and knees and ankles. I couldn't believe he was mine. When I thought of how his fucking Father wanted me to abort him, my rage grew to an all new dangerous level. From that moment on I knew without a doubt that I would kill the first person who tried to hurt my lil man. That fear scared the hell out of me. All of a sudden I started to think about all the craziness in the world and really started to worry. For one brief millisecond I wondered why I even brought him into such a crazy fucked up world. I thought about my past and what had happened to me and was so scared for my baby boy. I knew I had to literally become a superhero of a Mom in order to protect him. I begged God to protect him . I begged like nobody's business. Lord please don't let anyone try and hurt him, I really don't feel like spending the rest of my life in jail. I also knew I had to curb my own temper so I could remain in my lil man's life. Where could I run to If I had to kill someone. I thought of the world and where we could be safe. I was thinking of the future and what it would bring. We were going to travel and go places. I wanted to make sure he never ended up starving or hurt. I already knew what that felt like. I knew I wouldn't allow him around certain family members, so that part was taken care of. I was a Mother bear on the highest alert ever. I was on defcon 4. Red alert. I would have brought down the heavens if something came our way. There would have been a new chapter to the Bible. I left the Hospital with my precious cargo. It seemed as though it was the hottest day of the year. I flagged down a cab and looked at the cab driver with the meanest look on my face letting him know not to try NO SHIT! Most of the cab drivers in NYC were foreign. I had heard about people and kids being kidnapped and taken overseas where their organs were harvested to the highest bidder. We made it home safely and I retreated to my room where I stayed there staring at my lil man. I don't think I slept for a month. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. How could something so precious turn a person into a stark raving paranoid loving lunatic? That was what I had become. Why hadn't my own Mother felt that way about me? What was wrong with some Mothers? I'll never understand that crazy bullshit. The love I felt for my son was u n b e l i e v a b l e. It grew by the second. I couldn't wait for him to understand what love actually was. God I love my lil man. Fuck his Father.
Read more…
Hey everyone, I've posted 3 entrys from my book . Please check it out and give me your thoughts. I'm excited about my book finally coming together and I'm doubly excited about touring to get the book out there. I really, really, want to thank all of you for your continued support and to let you all know how greatly appreciative I am. You all have been incredible. I'm so glad some of us still know that it really does take a village, no matter what tribe you are from. Go to the blogs on my page and read the chapters I've submitted. Writing started out as a form of therapy for me and has turned into something wonderful. It is an honor to share it with you.I LIVE SO I CAN LAUGHWhat the hell is that poking me? I thought it was a stick, I really did. "A", whats that? I ask.. "nuttin". I continue watching tv. "Move back on the bed" "why"? I ask... Just move the fuck back! He yelled. Now my heart starts to pound! Did he just curse at me? I start to turn around and my hair is pulled .What the...Before I know it I'm flipped on my back and my cousin is on top of me spreading my legs. OH>>>>MY>>>GOD! I mustered up enough strength to damn near kick his ass off of me! I almost made it off the bed but he grabbed me again by my hair, this time tighter. That shit hurt, my hair was nappy as hell back then and hardly combed. I've never in my life actually heard my heart beat thru my chest until then. I actually heard my heart, not felt it , heard it. Adrenalin must have been surging like a mutha f'ker. All the while I kept wondering to myself what in the hell his black ass was tryin to do. I knew nothing about sex but I knew a naked person meant something bad. He grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back, I thought my arm would come out of its socket. Now I was pinned, all I could do is say stop and what are you doing? He kept insisting that I knew what was going on. But I didn't. I felt him pulling off my underwear and I rememberd being embarrassed beyond belief. The fear was there but I was soooo embarrassed. He got on top of me and started to try to insert himself. I couldn't breathe, I just couldn't breathe. The stabbing pain was unbearable,I cried and cried and begged for him to stop but he wouldn't. It seemed as though all my strength was seeping out of my body and things began to go in slow motion. Finally just when I thought it was over he flipped me over and entered from behind. THAT pain cannot be measured by anything made by human hands. Am I going to die? Yes I am....God make it quick, I wanna go to heaven. Stop! Stop! He gets up, leaves the room and I hear water running. I try to move but can't. My right foot feels funny, my stomach, backand head hurt like hell. Did he leave? I don't hear anything. I can't breathe thru my nose, it's all stuffed up. Somebody help me, where's my sister? Oh she's at Grandma's house. Is someone there? OH no it's him again. "Get up and use the bathroom"! "I can't". Just leave me alone.....please. "Get up and go to the bathroom"! I'm crying and crying. A slap hard on my face....he's squeezing my face trying to put himself in my mouth. I clench my teeth real hard, he squeezes harder and I feel a POP! Throbbing pain now racks my jaw...it's dislocated. I don't know that yet but thats what happened. After all that don't you know that bastard still put himself in my mouth? Yes that f'ker did. I threw up until there was nothin else to throw up but stomach acid. My throat was raw. With a couple of threats and warnings he was out the door. I layed there for hours I believe. I peed on myself and the burning sensation from the urine damn near made me hit the ceiling. When is my Mother coming back? Do I hear singing? Maybe the angels are coming to get me. I wonder what they look like. I'm naked I need to cover myself before they get here. My Mother is going to be real mad because I'm in her room in her bed. Maybe I should try to get to my room. Ow! I can't move. Whats wrong with my foot, or is it my toe? Why is my ear ringing? I hear someone, OH God its him again! Yvonne! Yvonne! Why are all the lights off? I hear my mother asking someone. She enters her room and turn on the lights. They hurt my eyes. How long had I been laying there? "What ...the....fuck"! She rushes over to the bed, looks at me in disbelief.....covers me. I hear someone else in the hallway, I began to cry. My mother does love me, she's going to kill that black bastard (he looks worse than flavor flav) ! She goes into my room and gets some clothes. She comes back with a friend of hers. Her friend starts to cry and scream "who did that to her"? "who did that to her"?! I try to talk but my fucking face is killing me. My mother asked me if "A" did this to me and I shake my head yes. She tells me that we gotta go get my lil sister. What? I know she's about to call the ambulance and the cops. She leaves the room and returns with a towel and some washcloths. The washcloths are wet, she begans wiping me from head to toe. I am in so much pain. Theres dried blood everywhere. Whats that smell? She asks me if I shitted on myself, I say no, she says yes you did with a look of disgust on her face. She sits me up while I 'm screaming in pain. Shut the f up! Let's go and you better not tell Ma (my Grandmother) that "A" babysat you. Huh? How come she doesn't want anyone to know what the f'ker did? We're headed for the door, I can barely walk. Her friend is helping me, I think her name is Joyce. She looks at me with sad eyes. I think she wants to help me but she's afraid of my Mother. I'll tell my Grandmother when we get to her house, she'll help me. I know she will.next chapterOk, I don't know how I made it downstairs to the car but I did. I was in sooo much fucking pain! My Mothers friend Joyce helped me to the car. She would glance at me with this sad look on her face but was always cautious of my Mother catching her. We were going to my Grandmothers house to pick up my lil sister. I knew that the first chance I got I was going to tell EVERYTHING! My Mother warned me several times in the car not to tell anyone that my cousin "A" babysat me. She just didn't want to get her ass whipped by my Grandmother thats all. Damn my face was hurting like hell. I tried to move my jaw to say something but that shit huuuuurt! It was only one side but it hurt. I felt my stomach begin to turn when thinking about what my cousin did to me. I couldn't believe him. What had I done wrong? How did things go so damn wrong? Why the hell wasn't my Mother looking for that black ugly bastard? She was always fighting other mother f'kers for no reason, here's a big enough reason, start kicking some ass! We drove down Broadway and passed my Grandmothers building. Uh, where the hell are we going? I thought to myself. We pulled up in front of a building on the other side of Broadway and my Mothers friend got out. She snuck and kissed me on the forhead before she got out of the car. Why couldn't she have been my Mother? She spoke to my Mother before walking away and I overheard her telling my Mother that she "wasn't going to say anything to anyone about what she saw tonite". UH, uh, uh. She got some f'king nerve. Always trying to cover her ass! We pulled away from the curb, damn I wish I had enough strength to jump out of that car and roll like a hollywood stunt woman! We pulled up in the back of my Grandmothers building and she (grandma)came downstairs with my lil sister. She looked mad. I shifted myself in the backseat so I could see her and she could see me. And see me she did. When she went to open the back door to put my sister in , she froze. "What the hell is wrong with that gal"? "Nuttin Ma, she's sleepy", says my mother. "Whats wrong with her face"? asked my Grandmother. I immediately spoke up and said "A " did it"! I began crying again, real hard. ALL HELL BROKE LOOSE! My Grandmother looked at my Mother in total shock and said "I just know you didin't let that bastard baby sit this chile"! "What in the hell is wrong with you"? and then she leeped on my mother and started tearing her ass up! I was both happy and sad at the same time. Then I got scared. What if my Grandmother doesn't take me and leaves me with my Mother? Oh shit. But that didn't happen. She took me upstairs and checked me down there. Embarrassment again. Now my Grandmother is looking at my twat. You know what ? At this point I don't even care. My Grandmother called some of my Aunts up and they all agreed that I was to be taken to the hospital. Ya think? We get to the hospital and my other aunt is waiting for us. She's a nurse there. I'm taken to a room, put on a bed and a Doctor enters the room. I closed my eyes while he talked to my grandmother and my Aunt. My Aunt looks mad as hell. She' s just shaking her head back and forth. She brings me a tablet and pen and ask me to write down what happened. I start to write and I'm stuck on the word trying. For some reason I can't remember how to spell that word and I'm getting so frustrated about it that I begin to cry. My Aunt thinks I'm crying because of what happened. I probably was crying because of it but spelling that word set it off. I guess because things were already messed up so something as simple as trying to spell a word I knew seemed so easy but wasn't. yall understand what I mean? Anyway, that doctor examined me and again I had someone looking at my twat! I heard the word stitches and could have diiiied! First he popped my jaw back in place using his thumbs . That was painful. He so-called numbed my jaw, but it wasn't enough. Seeing that needle coming towards my face made me wanna get up and do an arabian outta that room! I wonder if pedophiles think about the destruction they leave behind when they do that f'ed up shit to kids. I'm sure they don't. Along with a dislocated jaw, I had a broke tailbone and jammed toe. Thats why my foot was feeling so funny. I probably jammed it while trying to kick that burnt rib (cousin "A") the f'k off of me. The Doctor snapped my toe back into place after tricking the shit outta me and telling me to look at something on a wall and then when my head was turned his sneaky ass literally snapped my shit back into place. OOOh I felt like kicking the shit outta him but I was thankful after the pain subsided. I was mad at him all over again when he had to numb my tootoo and sew me up. I'm not going to even discuss what he did to check and see if my tailbone was broken. Man my cousin really f'ed me up. He really did. How can a person do that knowing that they're causing so much pain? He didn't even care. What's worse though is that my Mother seemed as though she cared more about protecting herself than protecting me. I will never be able to get over that part of it. Also, hang on to your seats.....When my Mother showed up at the hospital, acting like she cared, she waited til she was alone with me to smack me in the face. She knew my jaw was dislocated and still smacked me. Yes she did. She was mad that I told on her ass. Every chance she got she looked at me with one of those Charles Manson murder 1 looks. My Father showed up at the hospital with the biggest serving of butter pecan ice cream. Oh are yall wonering why he had ice cream? Well apparently he was told that I had tonsilitis. Mmm, hmm. The lies continue. Oh and I also simultaneously had appendicitis as well. That was just in case my Father asked why I couldn't walk. Ain't that some shit? He would have killed my Mother had he found out the truth. I stayed in that hospital for 2 long ass weeks. When I left I was kinda sad. There were babies in that ward that had been born addicted to drugs and when I was able to walk around I sorta became their Mother. I watched over them because I was the oldest child in there. When ever I heard them cry at night I'd get up and check on them. Especially a baby named "KING". He was a lil baby boy about 8 mos old that layed in a crib next to my bed. He was so f'ing cute. I wanted to have a lil black baby boy just like him when I got older. The Doctor said that I'd never be able to have children, so I felt that I would be a Mother to everyone elses children. I made a promise to myself that I would protect any and all children no matter what. After 4 miscarriages I did have my 3 babies. 2 boys and 1 girl. All the pregnancies were high risk but they all made it here safely. My kids are my angels and blessings. Ask anyone that knows me, I got a "S" on my chest. Thats right. I am the BOMB when it comes to my kids. "F" that. My kids will never ever feel 1% of what I felt as a child at the hands of my own other. There is no mutha f'king way. Anyway, I'm about to go eat some butter pecan ice cream. Thanks Daddy. R.I.Pto be continued..........Another chapter- (keep in mind I wasn't supposed to be able to have kids).This one is about the birth of my 1st born. I'll never ever forget this day, even if I'm hit with alzheimers. Every last one of my children are miracles! I've been so blessed to have been chosen to be their Mommy!July 5th 1987. It was hot and sticky and I was sooo restless it was crazy. My swollen belly seemed as if it was ready to pop. Anything that touched my stomach hurt like hell. I got up early and began cleaning everything in site. My Grandmother came into my room and told me "you're just about ready to have that baby". I asked her how she knew and she said "because you're cleaning everything". There's something maternal in every mom-to-be that causes them to clean their surroundings in preparation for birth. Animals also start cleaning their nests and dens preparing for the birth of their offspring. When I thought about it, it did make sense. Although everything around me was clean , I was still trying to make sure my baby came home to nothing but cleanliness. I would have blown away a dust bunny with a shotgun if I saw one under his crib. Everything in my room was sacred to me. I often had friends who would visit and immediately pick up his litttle teddy bears and other baby things. If they knew the rage I felt when they did that they would have dropped everything and ran the hell out of my room. I was always thoughtful of other people's belongings and made sure I didn't invade their space. I was never one to overstay my welcome either. Howcome they couldn't do the same? As the evening arrived, I noticed that I started having contractions. I didn't think much of them because I had started actually feeling them in my 6th month. They were false contractions. I guess my body was practicing for the real thing. I was early as well. I had at least an entire month more to go. Late that night I tossed and turned. I talked to my son. I sang the ABC's, sang the 123's and other nursery rhymes. I talked to my baby boy and told him that we were going to be ok. I promised him that I wouldn't allow anyone to hurt him. If I could have rolled out an ancient scroll and signed it with my blood I would have done so. I knew I was going to give birth to someone that would change the world. Society was already against my baby. He had 3 strikes already before he was even born. He was male, he was black and he was going to be smart as hell if I had anything to do with it. I knew how I would raise him and I knew all the values I would instill in him. I would teach him about the world and all the bullshitters in it and despite what society would say about him , I was going to make sure he wouldn't end up a statistic. The Heavens began to move. It was time. I got up early in the morning, around 5am. My contractions were coming harder and faster. My back was killing me. I had already heard about all the horrors of childbirth so I was trying to prepare myself. I took a cab by myself to the Hospital, they checked me and saw that I was in active labor. I was afraid because I thought it was too early. Please God protect my little man. My cousin showed up. I was glad because I didn't want to go through childbirth alone. I think that is the saddest thing for a mother-to-be to go thru. Giving birth with no one there to help you. I had labor pains in my back. That is the worst kind of labor pain you can have. It felt like someone stuck a knife in my lower back on the left side and continuosly twisted it. That's the only way I could decribe it. I went through 12 hours of labor and decided near the end to get an epidural. When the anesthesiologist showed up with that big ass needle I immediately changed my mind. That needle looked like something out of a horror movie. There was no way I was going to be stuck with that shit. I just started breathing and trying to get through the labor. My Doctor came back in and after a quick exam, said I was 10 cm's. I was happy as hell. Then I was scared shitless. Wait a minute, I gotta push a baby out! Holy shit! I gotta push a baby out! Why hadn't I thought about how he was going to get out? Oh no! I don't think I could do this! It was time to push. How do I push? Push what? After a quick how-to session, I began to push. My heart felt as if it was going to burst out of my chest! I pushed and pushed and pushed and pushed! Finally his head began to crown! That's what the Doctor was saying. My cousin was saying that she could see his hair. I didn't give a shit at that moment, I wanted him out of me! I pushed real hard again and he was half way out. OH MY GOD! Is that MY son? My eyes began to well up with tears. I couldn't believe it! I started crying as the rest of him was birthed. He was so red, like an indian. He had a head full of hair and had my juicy lips. My heart swelled with an unbelieveable amount of love that couldn't be measured in a billion years. Amazingly, there was a knot in his umbilical cord. He was bouncing around in there like crazy. I watched the nurses and Doctors like a hawk. They weighed and measured him and cleaned him up. The nurse asked me if I wanted "rooming in" or if I wanted him to stay in the nursery. I looked at her like she was crazy as hell and answered "rooming in". There was no way I was letting him out of my sight! As I was cleaned up and prepared to go to my designated room the Nurses told me that they were going to take him to the nursery to put him under a light and to perform all the necessary tests for a newborn. I think they saw the look on my face so they elaborated a lil bit more on what they were actually going to do to him. They had to reassure the hell out of me because I wasn't having no bullshit. What surprised me was how protective I had already become. It was scary. I was thinking all kinds of crazy thoughts. I thought about someone trying to kidnap him, I thought about some Nurse playing herself and trying to sell him on the black market and thought of some woman who's child wasn't that cute trying to switch my baby with hers. What ever negativity there could be, I thought of it. As soon as the Nurse brought him back I checked every inch of his tiny body. I looked for his birthmark as well as memorized every hair on his head. I couldn't sleep at all because I was up watching and waiting for someone to come in my room and try something stupid. I was so tired but my fear wouldn't allow me to sleep. I was like a zombie in that bed. I was ready for anything. I kept my eyes on him all night long. I kept kissing the hell out of his face and lips and arms and legs and smelling his breath and hair and just kept checking his fingers and toes and knees and ankles. I couldn't believe he was mine. When I thought of how his fucking Father wanted me to abort him, my rage grew to an all new dangerous level. From that moment on I knew without a doubt that I would kill the first person who tried to hurt my lil man. That fear scared the hell out of me. All of a sudden I started to think about all the craziness in the world and really started to worry. For one brief millisecond I wondered why I even brought him into such a crazy fucked up world. I thought about my past and what had happened to me and was so scared for my baby boy. I knew I had to literally become a superhero of a Mom in order to protect him. I begged God to protect him . I begged like nobody's business. Lord please don't let anyone try and hurt him, I really don't feel like spending the rest of my life in jail. I also knew I had to curb my own temper so I could remain in my lil man's life. Where could I run to If I had to kill someone. I thought of the world and where we could be safe. I was thinking of the future and what it would bring. We were going to travel and go places. I wanted to make sure he never ended up starving or hurt. I already knew what that felt like. I knew I wouldn't allow him around certain family members, so that part was taken care of. I was a Mother bear on the highest alert ever. I was on defcon 4. Red alert. I would have brought down the heavens if something came our way. There would have been a new chapter to the Bible. I left the Hospital with my precious cargo. It seemed as though it was the hottest day of the year. I flagged down a cab and looked at the cab driver with the meanest look on my face letting him know not to try NO SHIT! Most of the cab drivers in NYC were foreign. I had heard about people and kids being kidnapped and taken overseas where their organs were harvested to the highest bidder. We made it home safely and I retreated to my room where I stayed there staring at my lil man. I don't think I slept for a month. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. How could something so precious turn a person into a stark raving paranoid loving lunatic? That was what I had become. Why hadn't my own Mother felt that way about me? What was wrong with some Mothers? I'll never understand that crazy bullshit. The love I felt for my son was u n b e l i e v a b l e. It grew by the second. I couldn't wait for him to understand what love actually was. God I love my lil man. Fuck his Father.
Read more…
