Written by TNGI was late to Class as usual and because I was late, I had to take a seat in the very back of the lecture hall. The professor had already begun his daily lecture so I eased in and took a seat. In that very seat, there was an opened journal or notebook. I didn’t want to interrupt anyone so I just picked it up and immediately flipped to the very front to see if a Name or address was located it in, but the very first page stated: I LEFT THIS FOR YOU.I am sitting here like ME? Anyone that knows me, know that I am very nosey, so yes, I began to read. Forget the lecture today, I was late anyhow!“I left this for you to read because I am at a point of no return in my life. Don’t bother to look for me because you will not find me. Do not alert the professor or anyone that you think may know me, because what I have done has already been done.When I first started college, I was ecstatic because I would be leaving the small town that I lived in. For 5 years, my brother, raped, sodomized and mentally abused me. I didn’t have anyone that I could turn to or talk with. I was scared that no one would believe me. So I have lived with that secret and torment for years. When I finally received the acceptance letter stating that I had been accepted to a University, I was thinking: YES, finally a way out! So I ran from that problem and never dealt with it.I started school Fall Semester and I made friends really quick. My roommate and I were inseparable. She was the sister that I never had and always wanted. I started working and because I needed a car to get back and forth, I started a savings. I hid all of my money in a shoe box in my closet. No one would knew about this money, except my roommate. I saved all of my paychecks and by the end of the semester, I had enough for a decent car and Christmas gifts. While packing for Winter break, I noticed that my shoe box was gone. I was thinking maybe I hid it from myself and I just couldn’t remember exactly where I placed it. After calling my roommate’s cell phone a dozen times with no answer, it finally seemed real. She left a day early with my shoebox. And I haven’t seen her since.Devastated from that, I ran to my boyfriends’ dorm room to tell him what happened. This guy was really sweet and was nothing like my brother. I shared with him what had happened to me and he told me that he would never hurt me. We dated and he became my everything. I thought I was in love. Well, I walked into him receiving oral sex from the Campus whore. With a missed period and a possibility of being 6 weeks pregnant without any money, I went into an instant state of depression.I didn’t know where I was going, but I just started walking. I thought about slitting my wrist but then I considered that would be severely painful; why live hell on earth and die in pain? Then I thought about purchasing pain killers but I didn’t have any money. After thinking of so many different ideas to end my life, I finally ended up at a church. I must have stumbled upon choir rehearsal and I heard the most angelic voice uttering these words:Why should I feel discouragedWhy should the shadows comeWhy should my heart feel lonelyAnd long for heaven and homeWhen Jesus is my portionA constant friend is HeHis eye is on the sparrowAnd I know He watches over meHis eye is on the sparrowAnd I know He watches meI sing because I'm happyI sing because I'm freeHis eye is on the sparrowAnd I know He watches me (He watches me)His eye is on the sparrowAnd I know He watchesI know He watchesI know He watches me…Instantly I killed myself. And I didn’t jump off of a bridge or participate in anything that would physically harm me or my child.I accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior of my life and killed that old girl inside.I let all of the pain, hurt, and disappointments go.I did not allow emotions to lead my decision.I realized that hurt is an emotion and it is designed to keep you down.I did not want Hurt Feelings to rule my life any longer.Before moving on I had to resolve those Hurt feelings by letting it go.I dismissed what people did to me and realized that my response to all the hurt I went through was me growing through life.I forgave all of the people that hurt me and my healing came through giving and ministering to others.That is why you are reading my Diary. Agape love is selfless. The love of God is unconditional. And I have learned that when you love it means to seek out someone else’s well being without regard for yourself,I hope this diary helps you. Maybe there are some things that you need to figure out in your life. God sent this message to you for a reason. Pass this book on. Allow this story to change others.Sincerely,The Girl Who Committed Suicide
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