Sometimes it's impossible
To leave the past in the past
Sometimes it's impossible
To reach your deepest inner feelings
Sometimes it's impossible
To separate what is real and what is ingrained in you
Because of your past
We had a saying ..."I Love you Like the White Light." By saying this we expressed how our love was pure and beyond anything of this world. it was from Christ...
W both had a near death experience in our past. Mine was from a former partner when he tried to kill me, by strangling me. The white light was so beautiful and peaceful. The feeling is beyond anything that can be explained in words. I remember asking God to take me, I was ready to go. I wanted to go and experience the peace that the white light was offering me. He didn't take me, however he did give me something that I didn't realize at the time. He gave me strength to know that I was not afraid of dying. The peaceful feeling I had at that moment would give me strength to face what lie ahead.
The fairytale was fast becoming a nightmare....the white light was fast fading into a black hole that I couldn't escape.
I opened my heart to my "fairytale husband". Before we got married he had asked me to tell him of every relationship I had been in. I told him if our marriage depended on me telling him, we should not marry. I told him I was afraid of him using this against me. I knew...why didn't I believe in my own instincts.
After we got married, he made me feel like I could tell him everything. He made me believe that in order to be one, we had to be totally honest and open with each other. I told him how all my life I had been told how ugly I am. I told him about my previous abuse. I told him about my being raped on more than one occasion. I told him about all the mean and hateful things that were said to me. I told him specifics and in great detail. I told him because he made me believe in him.. I believed I could be me and he would still love me. I let out my heart to him. It felt so good to be able to express myself to someone in such detail. I could let out all those repressed feelings that I have carried all my life... those feelings that eat away at you little by little. The feelings that you don't dare speak out loud because if you do, they will become real to someone else and you will be found out. The feelings that you hold in a secret part of your heart; because to speak them out loud would be to acknowledge their truth. I told him how everything made me feel...I told him everything because I finally felt like I had someone I could trust that would understand me and that loved me enough to care. In telling him my inner most feelings were somehow released... I could be happy...I didn't have to be ashamed of who I was.
I had no idea he would use everything I told him against me. I had no idea he was addicted to crack. I had no idea of what lay ahead.
He used to say something on a daily basis
"signs and symbols for the conscience mind...if you cannot see, you are truly blind"
I didn't see the signs...He said these words to me on a daily basis, why did I not see the signs before it was too late.
It started with mental and verbal abuse. The things he said to break me down. I should have seen the signs. These types of things were said to me before. He would tell me I was lying when I knew I was not...he would tell me of the things he had done in his past to keep me scared and aware of his capabilities. It was so subtle and he did it in such a loving way that I didn't notice him using my insecurities against me. He would accuse me of cheating on him and when I tried to explain that I have not cheated on him he would bring up my past. I couldn't believe this was happening because it was exactly as I predicted before we even got married ... something he promised would not ever happen.
The accusations became more and more frequent, the tone of his voice changed from loving to hateful. He would hang on to my every word and if I said something incorrectly he yelled with such a harsh voice that I was afraid to speak for fear of saying the wrong thing. I began to feel like there was something wrong with me as he made sure I knew that he acted the way he did, because of me. If I questioned this he would say something like..."you don't even see the things you do" or "don't you even hear yourself". I tried so hard to stay calm because if I dared to cry, he would say something like, " I don't want to hear that fake ass sh**." I began to feel that I could not do or say anything right. It didn't help that I had started menopause and my emotions were totally out of control. When or if I tried to explain to him that I was changing ...my body was changing, he would get mad and tell me that has known plenty of women and they did not act the way I did. He said my body smelled and insisted it smelled of sex and that I had been cheating on him. I was so embarrassed and I couldn't fix the problem because what he accused me of was not true. What was wrong with me? Why couldn't I be the person he wanted?
It started...I was 'walking on eggshells.' I always felt like my heart was going to jump out of my chest, my nerves were gone and I felt like my insides were always shaking and ready to shut down. I felt like I couldn't think straight; I couldn't ever say the right things; I couldn't express my feelings or emotions; I couldn't be me...because no matter what I did or said, it always seemed to be the wrong thing. I must be a bad person...there must be something wrong with me since he is not the first person who has said these things...I have heard such things throughout my life. How could this be happening when he was the person that made me feel so special and now I felt worse than I had ever felt in my life. I couldn't face my family or friends because to express what I was going through would be to admit I was a failure.
I was alone.......My spirit was broken
I am who I am
Because of my past
I am who I am
Because of my beliefs
I am who I am
Because I can only be me
If God be for me
What man can be against me?
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