I can’t control my emotions
My heart beats fast, my breathing is erratic
I am going to be sick, my body is shaking
I cannot think straight
People react and do things when they feel desperate that they may not ever do in any other circumstance. People become desperate for different reasons. My husband became desperate due to his addiction. He was desperate to get his next hit. It didn’t matter what he did or if he hurt me. His drug induced paranoia and the altered state of mind he was in was his reality. I became desperate to be the person he needed me to be. I was desperate to save myself which made my life become an extension of his reality. I was desperate to save myself, him and our marriage.
Our life got so bizarre it is hard to believe that the things that happened; really happened. It is hard to remember the sequence and details of the events. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I felt trapped and wanted to run, but I couldn’t because I was afraid of what would become of my house if I left. I had nowhere to go because I didn’t want to involve my children. I couldn’t get myself together enough to deal with things in a calm manner. I was Desperate…
I learned that if I hurt myself, it would stop him from hurting me. He would be concerned about me enough that he would quit yelling and threatening me. I was desperate to protect myself from him and I decided I would not let him hurt me again. Somehow hurting myself was easier to deal with than being hurt by him. The first incident was when he saw a bruise on my leg and started accusing me of cheating on him. He wouldn’t stop and I was feeling overwhelmed and afraid. I ran to the kitchen and said ‘you want to see marks on my legs…’ and I started to stab myself until blood started spraying everywhere. He calmed down and didn’t hurt me. When I felt trapped, I would run out the door to get away. This would get him so mad because he said I was causing a scene. I would be afraid to go home because I knew he would hit me so instead I ran to the main street and jumped in front of a truck, hoping this would take me away from the pain forever. There were other variations of what I did out of desperation. I stabbed myself in my thigh and tried to stab myself in my chest. I cut my wrists both horizontally and vertically; one cut was 5-6 inches long. I tried to take multiple pills so I could sleep and never wake up again. I couldn’t live like this anymore and yet I had to try to find ways to live through it.
My life was no longer mine. My life revolved around his drug use. I no longer felt like a loved wife. He was setting himself up in single sites on a regular basis. He would not stop associating with other females or his “drug friends”. He was stealing money on a regular basis. He was hitting me more and more and the verbal and emotional abuse was daily. Nothing I did was right and I wanted to die. My life consisted of living from day-to-day not knowing what to expect. Every day was a challenge because everything revolved around his addiction and his reactions.
I do have to give him credit for one huge thing that he did. During this time, one of my daughters was pregnant. Every time I hurt myself or tried to kill myself he reminded me about my new grand-daughter and that she needed to know me. Thoughts of my new grand-daughter are what kept me alive. If not for her, I know I would not be alive today.
My ultimate act of desperation came and I cannot ever explain how guilty I feel. The guilt will weigh my heart for years to come.
As I became more and more afraid, as I felt I had no alternative, my mind changed. I no longer cared what happened to my house or my possessions. I started planning my escape, praying I could last until I was able to get away. There were still times when I felt like killing myself was my only escape. My daughter went into labor…now was the time. I went to be with her in the hospital, and did not return home. We talked at length and he continued to say he needed me home and that he wanted help. He seemed sincere and that is all I wanted was for him to get help. I went out-of-town and he said he was going to check himself into a rehab. While I was gone I called him and he did not answer then I found out that he had another woman in our house. I believe this woman was his drug dealer. He lied to me about it and that was the final straw for me so I had him served with a restraining order that I already had in place….”just in case”. I don’t’ know why this incident was any worse than any other incident, however something inside of me snapped. I knew that I had to do something or either he or I would soon be dead. My mind told me that he knew no one and therefore had nowhere to go; he would be forced to go to rehab. After all he said he wanted to go so this should help him to actually take the step needed. I always promised him I would not call the police….my guilt was so bad because I went back on a promise…that is something I try not to ever do.
I felt guilty…I felt confused…All I wanted was for him to get help so we could fix our marriage.
A couple of hours later he returned to our house. He jumped through our sliding glass door, obviously high. What happed next is unclear. I don’t remember all of the details. My doctors said I probably blocked it out and may not ever remember. I remember parts and I know the outcome…
His ultimate act of desperation … I do not know what he was thinking… I may never know…
I remember screaming when I heard the explosion of him jumping through the glass. My scream must have been so intense that it caused my neighbors to call the police. I know that he kept asking me why I did what I did. He took me to our room and tied my legs together. He later told me it was so we could talk…so I wouldn’t run like I always do. I remember the phone ringing a couple of times and screaming into the phone when I picked it up. He grabbed the phone from me, tore it out of the wall and threw it. I believe it was the second time I screamed that the police kicked in my door because they heard me. I remember being scared to death as the police said to come out or they would shoot. I couldn’t untie my legs and I knew they were going to kill me. I remember the police trying to tell me that my husband did certain things to me and I would not say that he did because I didn’t know or remember. They tried to say he attacked me with my daughter’s taekwondo weapons. When I told them he did not, they became angry. I refused to talk to them because they would not listen. My daughter took me to the hospital and found that I had a broken jaw and my ear was cut to the point the cartilage was exposed; I had it glued back together. The back of my head was totally bruised and I do not know how any of this happened. When I told his sister what happened she said I was stupid if I thought anything other than he was going to kill me. She said she knew him better than anyone and that was his intentions. Everyone told me things I did not want to hear, everyone said things about my husband that they believed…no one understood that he needed help…no one understood that I was not mad. I was desperate to save our marriage he was desperate for me to understand his problem…
We were both desperate for our fairytale to come true…
He had a problem just like I did…
The things we do out of desperation
Are our reality, at the time.
The things we do out of desperations
Are the only options at the time.
The things we do out of desperation
Can change our lives forever.