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If You wish to see your credit report without using a credit card, here are 5 Free
As, I dig deeper into learning how to properly run my business, one thing keeps popping UP. "YOU HAVE TO HAVE GOOD CREDIT IF YOU WANT LENDERS TO WORK WITH YOU." Some banks will accept a 620 credit score but many want at least a 680 fico score. Although, you're focused on the business, you still need to personal guarantee the funding if you don't have any assets to use as collateral. In my Ebook Insiders Bank secrets, I discuss this problem and some alternatives. Moving forward. understand that having bad credit makes it more challenging to get a credit card so you can pay to see your credit report. I decided to look around, and I found 5 credit companies that you can pull your credit from for FREE without using a credit card I hope this helps some of you.
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Business Credit America will check you CPN Number for you. We will do a thorough investigation on the number to show you whether the number you have is someone elses social security number or is it a legitimate number that has never existed.
1. Worried Your CPN Number is Bad?
2. How Was Your CPN Number Was Validated?
3. Are Creditors Asking For Your SSN CARD?
4. Does Your Broker Ignore Your Phone Calls?
Click on the link to get your CPN Number checked
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Get a professional review of your business credit file before you ask a banker or investor for money. Business Credit America knows it could be a very embarrassing and frustrating feeling to hear someone tell you that your business credit is not strong enough to be approved for a small business loan. We know what lenders are looking for in a business, and we could show you what's missing in your file that's keeping you from being approved for a loan.
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As a business owner, you may have heard that banks want to see a business plan, however that's not true. Banks want to see an action plan, which is a scaled down business plan that shows them how long it's going to take you to pay the loan back. The business plan is a road map to help keep you on track. For those that don't know what goes into a business plan here are the 7 main components.
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BIGGEST MISTAKE I MADE IN MY BUSINESS- I started my business with the notion, that if, I could lose enough money in my business it would offset my personal taxes. Although, it did help, I still lost money. You see, the thought of owning your own business, is about creating something profitable to take care of you and your love ones. Also, having something to pass on to that next generation that they can build off of because I don’t know of anyone who ever inherited a job.
Moving forward, I revaluated, why I was losing money in business. I realize that it was foolish of me to start a business just to lose money for tax purposes. I begin to learn, how setting up a business and managing it the right way, it would actually become profitable and lower my taxes.
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As Black Business Owners, we seem to think at times that the reason our businesses are not growing, because we don't get enough support from our own communities. Many of us have not realize because of social networking around the world, we now have a larger audience to offer our product or service too. So, I have a Question, Please, share your thoughts.
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In this Video I discuss CPN NUMBER IDENTITY THEFT the 4 most common issue people have when trying to use a CPN NUMBER.
1. 80% OF PEOPLE THAT HAVE A CPN NUMBER ARE USING SOMEONE ELSE SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER
2. THE INFO. YOU PUT INTO THE SYSTEM OVER POPULATES THE ORIGINAL OWNERS INFO.
3. PEOPLE THAT CREATE THESE NUMBERS ARE NOT REGISTERING AND DATA BASING THE INFO. CORRECTLY
4. PEOPLE ARE MERGING THEIR PERSONAL CREDIT WITH THEIR CPN NUMBERS BECAUSE THEY ARE APPLYING FOR CREDIT AT COMPANIES THEY ALL READY HAVE AN ACCOUNT WITH.
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Okay. Now, I hope that you all can see that. But the thing about the business credit score, what it is and how is it affecting your business? Now, I've broken it down into three categories because these are your most important categories. You have your PAYDEX score, you have your business credit rating, and then you have your bank rating. And talking about the PAYDEX score, a lot of people are concerned about their PAYDEX score, which is 80 or above. However, the PAYDEX score is only good for trade vendors and net vendors. So, if you really don't need those type of companies, you're just trying to get funding for another project, or whatever, this really wouldn't be an impact on you because you're not trying to get trade credit or Net 30. Net 30, Net 7, Net 15, they have different wants, such as Net Vendor credit and stuff, and Trade credit. That's basically like your Seton, ULine, Grainger. And what ends up happening most of the time, we buy from these companies just to get them to report on our business credit, to get a PAYDEX score. However, the thing about it, the majority of the stuff we buy, we usually don't need it for our business.
And so, we got stuck in this... This is mainly part of the tier system method where they teach you, set the company up, buy some Net 30s then buy another round of Net 30s, then apply for some gas cards, then attempt to apply for some unsecured cards. Usually, the tier system... I can truly attest to this, it usually will take you anywhere from nine months to a year or longer. Depends on how active you are in your business. Okay, so that's what the PAYDEX score. The PAYDEX rating is 80 or above, meaning that you're good a payer. You pay good on time, okay, and it's just mainly for vendor credit.
Now, your business credit rating. Your business credit rating, this is important. This is an important factor because this determines if you get business loans or business credit cards. So that's what the business credit rating is. That's the reason that you'd see me on the video always telling you to update your financials. Make sure you do the UCCs, things like that. That's what affects your business credit rating. And then I told you about the different banks to go to in my ebook that tell you where to go and get those secured bank cards and stuff, because that will help with their business credit rating.
Now, this is one that most people aren't aware of and not too many people speak of it, maybe because they don't. But the bank rating... Now the bank rating actually deals with... Well, your business bank rating. It actually deals with the activity of the business checking account in which you should have... When you're setting up a corporation, usually what I teach on, with the corporation, with C corporations, you wanna to have three accounts. You wanna have a business checking account, a business savings, and a business expense account. And in my ebook, I explain to you why you want to have those accounts set up like that. But the business banking ratings this year, is where it goes off the activity. How many deposits have been in the account? How often are you depositing money into the account? How long does the deposit stay in there? And the larger the amount of money you deposit in the bank, and the longer it stays, the higher your rating. So, the larger the amount, the longer it stays, the higher your rating.
So, this is your bank rating. This is what really determines the amount of money they're gonna loan you. This here determines whether you're gonna get approved for unsecured credit cards and/or loans with a business credit rating. But this here, determines the amount of money. So those are the two differences there. So, you have your PAYDEX score, which is talking about your trade credit or your vendors. Your trade vendors, which describe you as Net 30s, you're Net 7s, you're net 15. Then you have the business credit rating, and this is what determines you being approved for loans or credit cards, unsecured or secured, okay. But your bank rating, that's dealing with the activity on those business bank accounts, okay. So, the more money you have in it, the longer it stays in it, determines the amount of money they're gonna loan you, future-wise. So, this is just a basic video I wanted to break down to you guys, so you can understand. If you are looking at companies, and they are not explaining this process to you, to actually help decide whether you should let them help you or you should do it on your own, then you don't need them because they should be at least explaining some of these basics to you. If they're not explaining these basics to you, they're wasting your time guys. And more likely they're gonna linger you on, so that you are paying them more money, but at the same time you're not getting any results.
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Hey guys! Houston here with Business Credit America, and today I'm just gonna get right to the point, and I wanted to talk to you all about Sallie Mae Student Loans. And I know from many of you all, may have seen my student loan video removal of Sallie Mae Student Loans. And the thing about it, you actually can't have those type of student loans because they're, not under the government guidelines. If you have government student loans, you can go to directloan.com. If you go to directloan.com, right there, all of your government student loans, they can consolidate them all into one, and they will lower your payments.
In reference to your private student loans, because they're all under FDCPA, you have the right if you have to, if you need to file bankruptcy, those types of student loans, you can, especially like Sallie Mae. Sallie Mae is a privately held company, and I tell a lot of people that call me, and I talk to them about their student loan. By them being a privately held company, they're not under the government guidelines. And so you do have a right to file bankruptcy under that because like with Wells Fargo, with Chase Bank, Sallie Mae, they all fall under...
What type... What it is is that Sallie Mae... Sallie Mae, what they were doing, they would go to the government, and they would buy student loans from the government. And then, "Okay, we're going to service these." So the government like, "Well, okay. If you service these then, you have to pay us a monthly insurance payment on these loans." See, when you took a student loan, they automatically used... But most of the time they automatically loaned you until the insurance program. And so that insurance program was for in case you default, then the insurance company pays off that loan for you. And so, like a lot of people, they don't know that.
And if you ask for your original contract with whoever, whatever school you went to, when you signed up for Sallie Mae, if they can't produce that contract, then they should not be reported on your credit report anyway. Also, another thing that Sallie Mae does is that say, that you defaulted way back when on your loan. What they'll do to keep on the collection practices, they'll re-age your account. And so they never report the original default date. So that puts you, like you're just starting over when you actually, because of the seven year time lapse on a loan or a regular loan except for a government loan, then it should have been folding up your credit anyway. But what they do, they re-age your account so to keep the student loan on there, especially when they're not backed by the government.
It’s November, and that means Thanksgiving is right around the corner. During this month, many people think about all the good they have in their lives and the things they have to be thankful for. Of course, I believe it’s important to have an attitude of gratitude 365 days a year, and creating a gratitude journal is a great place to start with this. Here are four ways having one can benefit you:
- A gratitude journal helps you keep things in perspective. It allows you to see that no matter how bad things may be right now, they could be worse, so you always have something to be thankful for.
- It encourages you to begin looking for the positive throughout your day.
- A gratitude journal puts you in a positive mood. After a while, you begin to see all the good you have in your life — big and small.
- It helps you to not take the little things for granted. You’ll have those days when nothing seems to be going right, and you can’t seem to think of anything to be thankful for. That’s when you dig deep, and think about the fact that you have breath in your body, some food, clothing, shelter, a family, etc. — the things you usually forget about because they’re always there.
How do you create a gratitude journal?
It’s simple! Just get a notebook or journal, and every night, write down three to five things that you’re grateful for. Try to think of something that happened during that day that you can be thankful for, like getting a new client or hearing from a friend you haven’t talked to in a while. You can also write about things you’re grateful for in general, like life, health and family. That’s it! (Easy, right?). Get started with your gratitude journal today, and remember:
Whatever our individual troubles and challenges may be, it’s important to pause every now and then to appreciate all that we have, on every level. - Shakti
For more articles like this, visit my blog, For Colored Gurls.
Desperate
I can’t control my emotions
Desperate
My heart beats fast, my breathing is erratic
Desperate
I am going to be sick, my body is shaking
Desperate
I cannot think straight
People react and do things when they feel desperate that they may not ever do in any other circumstance. People become desperate for different reasons. My husband became desperate due to his addiction. He was desperate to get his next hit. It didn’t matter what he did or if he hurt me. His drug induced paranoia and the altered state of mind he was in was his reality. I became desperate to be the person he needed me to be. I was desperate to save myself which made my life become an extension of his reality. I was desperate to save myself, him and our marriage.
Our life got so bizarre it is hard to believe that the things that happened; really happened. It is hard to remember the sequence and details of the events. I felt like I was living in a nightmare. I felt trapped and wanted to run, but I couldn’t because I was afraid of what would become of my house if I left. I had nowhere to go because I didn’t want to involve my children. I couldn’t get myself together enough to deal with things in a calm manner. I was Desperate…
I learned that if I hurt myself, it would stop him from hurting me. He would be concerned about me enough that he would quit yelling and threatening me. I was desperate to protect myself from him and I decided I would not let him hurt me again. Somehow hurting myself was easier to deal with than being hurt by him. The first incident was when he saw a bruise on my leg and started accusing me of cheating on him. He wouldn’t stop and I was feeling overwhelmed and afraid. I ran to the kitchen and said ‘you want to see marks on my legs…’ and I started to stab myself until blood started spraying everywhere. He calmed down and didn’t hurt me. When I felt trapped, I would run out the door to get away. This would get him so mad because he said I was causing a scene. I would be afraid to go home because I knew he would hit me so instead I ran to the main street and jumped in front of a truck, hoping this would take me away from the pain forever. There were other variations of what I did out of desperation. I stabbed myself in my thigh and tried to stab myself in my chest. I cut my wrists both horizontally and vertically; one cut was 5-6 inches long. I tried to take multiple pills so I could sleep and never wake up again. I couldn’t live like this anymore and yet I had to try to find ways to live through it.
My life was no longer mine. My life revolved around his drug use. I no longer felt like a loved wife. He was setting himself up in single sites on a regular basis. He would not stop associating with other females or his “drug friends”. He was stealing money on a regular basis. He was hitting me more and more and the verbal and emotional abuse was daily. Nothing I did was right and I wanted to die. My life consisted of living from day-to-day not knowing what to expect. Every day was a challenge because everything revolved around his addiction and his reactions.
I do have to give him credit for one huge thing that he did. During this time, one of my daughters was pregnant. Every time I hurt myself or tried to kill myself he reminded me about my new grand-daughter and that she needed to know me. Thoughts of my new grand-daughter are what kept me alive. If not for her, I know I would not be alive today.
My ultimate act of desperation came and I cannot ever explain how guilty I feel. The guilt will weigh my heart for years to come.
As I became more and more afraid, as I felt I had no alternative, my mind changed. I no longer cared what happened to my house or my possessions. I started planning my escape, praying I could last until I was able to get away. There were still times when I felt like killing myself was my only escape. My daughter went into labor…now was the time. I went to be with her in the hospital, and did not return home. We talked at length and he continued to say he needed me home and that he wanted help. He seemed sincere and that is all I wanted was for him to get help. I went out-of-town and he said he was going to check himself into a rehab. While I was gone I called him and he did not answer then I found out that he had another woman in our house. I believe this woman was his drug dealer. He lied to me about it and that was the final straw for me so I had him served with a restraining order that I already had in place….”just in case”. I don’t’ know why this incident was any worse than any other incident, however something inside of me snapped. I knew that I had to do something or either he or I would soon be dead. My mind told me that he knew no one and therefore had nowhere to go; he would be forced to go to rehab. After all he said he wanted to go so this should help him to actually take the step needed. I always promised him I would not call the police….my guilt was so bad because I went back on a promise…that is something I try not to ever do.
I felt guilty…I felt confused…All I wanted was for him to get help so we could fix our marriage.
A couple of hours later he returned to our house. He jumped through our sliding glass door, obviously high. What happed next is unclear. I don’t remember all of the details. My doctors said I probably blocked it out and may not ever remember. I remember parts and I know the outcome…
His ultimate act of desperation … I do not know what he was thinking… I may never know…
I remember screaming when I heard the explosion of him jumping through the glass. My scream must have been so intense that it caused my neighbors to call the police. I know that he kept asking me why I did what I did. He took me to our room and tied my legs together. He later told me it was so we could talk…so I wouldn’t run like I always do. I remember the phone ringing a couple of times and screaming into the phone when I picked it up. He grabbed the phone from me, tore it out of the wall and threw it. I believe it was the second time I screamed that the police kicked in my door because they heard me. I remember being scared to death as the police said to come out or they would shoot. I couldn’t untie my legs and I knew they were going to kill me. I remember the police trying to tell me that my husband did certain things to me and I would not say that he did because I didn’t know or remember. They tried to say he attacked me with my daughter’s taekwondo weapons. When I told them he did not, they became angry. I refused to talk to them because they would not listen. My daughter took me to the hospital and found that I had a broken jaw and my ear was cut to the point the cartilage was exposed; I had it glued back together. The back of my head was totally bruised and I do not know how any of this happened. When I told his sister what happened she said I was stupid if I thought anything other than he was going to kill me. She said she knew him better than anyone and that was his intentions. Everyone told me things I did not want to hear, everyone said things about my husband that they believed…no one understood that he needed help…no one understood that I was not mad. I was desperate to save our marriage he was desperate for me to understand his problem…
We were both desperate for our fairytale to come true…
He had a problem just like I did…
The things we do out of desperation
Are our reality, at the time.
The things we do out of desperations
Are the only options at the time.
The things we do out of desperation
Can change our lives forever.
Empty
I cannot think
Empty
I have no feelings
Empty
My heart is gone
My husband went to prison. Many people would say: “Good that is what he deserves”, however that is not the way I look at it. When people hear my story, many gasp and say “oh my gosh”, however that is not the response I needed.
After my husband was arrested, I fell into the deepest depression I have ever felt. I didn’t know things could get worse in my mind. I didn’t know there could be a new level of giving up on my life. To say I felt like a failure or to say I couldn’t think straight or to try to express my feelings in any way, would not express the depression I was in. I lost over 40 lbs. I couldn’t eat; I couldn’t sleep. It took every bit of energy I had to be able to talk to anyone because I just wanted to be alone. I tried to be the person everyone expected me to be and that only caused me to feel worse. Everyone wanted me to hate my husband, they wanted me to not ever forgive him or even talk to him again. I couldn’t do that. Remember, the one thing I have always liked about myself is that I am “too nice”. I don’t judge and I don’t get mad at anyone. I hated myself for causing my husband pain. I hated myself for causing my children pain. I hated myself for causing my parents pain. I hated myself for all the decisions I had made that affected everyone’s life in a negative way. In order to heal, I had to get back to being me because if I couldn’t like myself, I could not ever move forward.
I was afraid to be in my house alone. The quiet would ring in my ears and no matter how I tried to stop it, it wouldn’t go away. I found myself pacing the floors and breaking down for what appeared to be no reason. First my heart would start beating so fast it hurt; then I would feel sick to my stomach and my body would feel hot and flushed; then my head would feel like it was going to explode. I would start to hyperventilate and feel like passing out. My emotions were uncontrollable, I couldn’t stop crying. I couldn’t concentrate on anything; even when I realized my mind was drifting, I could not control where it went. If only I could make my mind not remember. If only I could replace the memories with something good. I struggled within my mind because I couldn’t figure out if I was afraid to be home because of the events that had taken place or because of being alone. All I knew is my heart would start to pound as soon as I got in the house. The harder I tried the worse I felt and the deeper my depression became. I was always the person that handled all problems and made sure everyone was okay, why couldn’t I handle this? What was wrong with me? Was I losing my mind? I am not a stupid person, why couldn’t I control my thoughts? Why couldn’t I figure out what was right and what was wrong? My mind would tell me I should be a certain way and my heart would tell me something different. All I could think of was going to sleep and never waking up. My life was now consumed with two main thoughts; 1st to find a way to pay my bills, pay for my funeral and have everything in order so my husband and children would not have to deal with anything after I was gone; 2nd to be sure my youngest daughter was okay since she was the only child not living on her own I needed to know she would be okay when I was gone. I tried to tell myself that my being gone would cause my family even more pain…if I could convince myself of this maybe I could stop thinking of dying. I couldn’t’...I couldn't convince myself because all I could see is the hurt everyone was feeling and it was all my fault. I felt like I was a bad person and that I was being selfish because I didn’t want to be mad, I wanted to forgive, I wanted to find a way to work things out…my wants were causing others pain and again my mind told me that everyone would be better off without me. The struggle going on within myself was taking over my life. It is a feeling I cannot describe…to be sad would have been a happy state of mind compared to what I was feeling. I just wanted to feel peace….why couldn’t I feel peace?
I went to a doctor for help and was put on some sort of anti-depressants. They took the edge off, however it didn’t take long for me to realize I felt like a zombie with no feelings at all. Which is worse…no emotions or extreme emotions? I went to counseling groups to try to understand my feelings. I couldn’t find support for the feelings I was experiencing because of the different levels of my depression. Groups that dealt with abuse, told me to be strong and to prepare myself. They focused on how to protect myself. Groups that dealt with addiction, told me to distance myself from the problem and to not take responsibility for “his” problem. Individuals that I tried to talk to, told me to not believe in my husband and to get away from him. No one seemed to understand the core of my depression. It was not the abuse or the addictions it was the struggle within myself. Nothing helped….it only made me feel worse. I felt like my mind was going to explode. I couldn’t think straight because everything in my mind conflicted with my heart.
I guess I can admit that my depression was due to my husband’s actions. However, it is not due to the things he did. It is because of his actions, I was forced into a struggle within myself because of my inner most feelings and beliefs. There is no way to express what I felt like, there is no way to explain the thought process I was struggling with because to say the words out loud would mean I would have to live with what others thought of me. I would be labeled as “stupid” or “naive” or even “weird” and “not normal”.
Everyone thought they understood my depression, they even said it was “normal after what I had gone through.” Everyone knew what was best for me…However no one knew who I was. I was/am not a person who holds a grudge or who judges. I was/am not a person who thinks negatively about situations. I was depressed because I felt guilty for causing pain to everyone. I was depressed because I couldn’t express myself without being judged or labeled negatively. I was depressed because I felt like I was causing separation between my family, because of my beliefs. I was depressed because no one understood that I loved my husband and all I wanted was for him to get better so we could resume our life together. I was depressed because I couldn’t be me…I had to not get upset if they talked bad about my husband…I had to act as if I was ready to end my marriage…I had to pretend to be someone that I was not.
I made a commitment to my husband till death do us part. I made a promise to God that I would do everything in my power to honor my marriage. I believe in forgiveness. There is a difference between forgiving someone and knowing the things they did were wrong. It is not my place to judge the things that happened. It is my place to forgive as I would want God to forgive me for the wrong things I have done.
If I cannot live according to God’s will
I would rather not live on this earth
Reflections
Is Love Blind
Or do we choose to see only what we want
I can see clearly now
We all have to look in the mirror to see ourselves. Sometimes we do not see what others see. We see what we believe about ourselves not necessarily what is real. Sometimes we see what our mind tells us and sometimes we see what our heart tells us; our self-image may be a mixture of both.
The story I have told is very 'one-sided' in many ways. It tells of the hurt I felt. This hurt was real to me, however it does not tell of the hurt I caused that was just as real to my husband. When I face my judgment day, I will have to account for every word I spoke and ever thing I did. I have to reflect on me because this is the only way I can heal.
When I look back I cannot believe some of the things I did. This was not me. I say that, I believe this, and I know it to be true; so why can't I accept the same from my husband? Why can't I accept that the things he did were not who he really is? I must accept this just as I ask him to accept me for who I am...who I truly am even through the things I did.
I yelled and I cursed.....oh how I yelled. I said hateful and hurtful things. I was selfish and controlling. At the time, I would have argued each of these admissions. At the time, I would have believed I was doing the right thing. I know now that I caused my husband to hurt in many ways also. I must admit my faults. The first is that I did not respect him as my husband; I did things that belittled him. I had been a single mom for 20 years and had only my son to turn to. This became a habit for me and I didn’t realize the hurt it caused my husband. If there was something to be done; I would instantly say “let me ask (my son)” I should not have done this, I should have asked and accepted my husband’s word and opinion. Another variation of this is that he would say something and I would not acknowledge that he said it until I heard the same thing from someone else. By doing this I made him feel like I was not listening and I didn’t put any importance to what he said; it made him feel like I cared what others thought or said more than what he thought or said. I should have known this because I felt the same way. I have a very bad habit of talking…and talking…and talking…This caused many pains. First it made my husband feel like I was treating him like a child. It is not uncommon for me to say something several different ways and many times over. I did not mean to make him feel like a child, this is something I really need to work on because not only did this cause my husband pain; I was also causing some of my own pain. My husband would tend to “tune me out” after a while or after my story was repeating and this would make me feel like he was not listening or like he didn’t care what I had to say when in reality I was saying the same things over and over again.
The next fault of mine is that I was very controlling. I had to have everything my way because if I controlled the way things were, I would be sure they were done correctly. I was so used to doing everything for myself and my children. In my mind I had to do everything to be sure all was taken care of; I had to be sure all problems were solved. Because of my mind set, I took charge in every situation and did not allow my husband to be the “man of the family”. My mind had convinced me that I was taking care of him. I would nag about everything; thinking that I was just making sure everything was getting done. The Bible says it is Better to live out in the desert than with a nagging, complaining wife. Proverbs 21:19 & Proverbs 27:15 says An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike. This was me and I had no idea I was hurting him and I was not acting like his wife. I was being a mom like I have always been. He didn’t need a mom he needed a wife.
One of the faults that I hate about myself the most is in the things that came out of my mouth. It is still hard for me to believe that I cursed the way I did. I had not ever cursed like this before in my life. I not only cursed, I said some very hurtful and hateful things. I told my husband he was a crack-head whore, I told my husband that I hated him. There is no way for me to say I am sorry for the words that came out of my mouth.
The guilt I feel for the ugly words I said and the way I acted will haunt me forever….who am I to complain about the names he called me when I did the same to him? Who am I to judge him when I will have to stand before God for the things I did to him?
Stop … Think … Reflect
Only God can judge
We are all unique in the way God made us
Stop and see who you are before you judge others
Think and Thank God for all of our differences
No one is perfect … we all have faults
Reflect and look inside yourself
Addict, Addiction, Addicted
Ugly words
Misunderstood words
Words of Judgment
Words of disgrace
My husband’s drug addiction…is that what ruined my life? I am not even sure I can say that is true, because I have to be honest and I believe there are a lot of addictions that harm us in different ways. We all have addictions of some type; sometimes we call them habits. We may be addicted to exercise or coffee or gambling or so many other things. It is when our addictions are not in balance that our life can be thrown off. I had several addictions. My addictions were to be loved, to be accepted, and to be wanted. I would do anything to try to achieve those addictions. My addictions also played a part in the craziness of what I am about to tell you.
Two definitions I found, online, are:
- To cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on a habit-forming substance
- To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively; to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively
To say that my life got crazy or bizarre would not express the true craziness. This was a life I knew nothing of. I was not prepared. It took me a while to even know what was happening. I was so naïve to drugs that again…I did not see the signs. There is a world known to drug addicts that I never knew existed. There is a code amongst addicts that I couldn’t understand. My life would soon become his, in part, due to my own addiction. “To occupy oneself with or involve oneself in something habitually or compulsively”…wow… that describes me exactly. I was addicted to wanting to be loved…I was addicted to wanting to fit in…I was addicted to needing to be needed. We both did things………maybe due to our addictions.
I lied to my family to protect my husband. I became more and more distant from my family because I didn’t want them to see the truth. After all, he was the man that loved me…right? I became a person I had not ever been. I yelled and I cursed at my husband. I hated the person I was turning into and yet I couldn’t stop doing what I was doing. I didn’t know that by doing these things, I belittled him. I was trying to get him to see things my way and I couldn’t understand why/how he could be treating me the way he was. I wanted so much to have the “perfect marriage” without realizing that I was contributing to my own problems.
His crack addiction led him to do things that I am not sure he would have otherwise done. I say I am not sure, because to this day, I do not know if they were drug induced actions or if these things are a part of who he is. I know he lied to me all the time. He convinced me that he needed my 401K savings to go home and invest in a business deal to help us. I believed him because he talked to “his people” on the phone and it sounded real. He lost all the money. I do know that he stole money from me on a regular basis in order to support his need. First it was $50 at a time then it was hundreds at a time. I couldn’t question him because if I did, I would spark his rage. He would take my debit card from my purse and get money before I even realized it was missing. Once I realized what he did, I started sleeping with my purse next to me or I tried hiding my card. He always seemed to find it and the times when he didn’t he found my checks and wrote checks out to himself signing my name. My money was disappearing and I wasn’t able to pay my bills. I know that he kept in contact with people that I would rather not have in my life and that at least one was a female. This certain female would text my husband every morning and I would be furious each morning. That was the way our day would begin. I know he visited porn and single sites on a regular basis. I would find flirtatious messages some of which were very graphic and inappropriate. Again, this would trigger my anger to a point I couldn’t control the things that came out of my mouth. I know he stole all of my valuable jewelry and many household items; my diamonds and pearls were gone; our flat screen T.V. was gone; I would be looking for something random and find it was gone, things that had great sentimental value to me where just all of a sudden gone. All taken, in order to pay for his addiction. When I asked him, of course, he said he didn’t do it. He swore to me that he would not ever steal from me and yet so many things were mysteriously gone… One of the other traits of his addiction, that I finally learned, is that he would lose track of time. He once left the keys in the car with the car running; he left candles burning till they burned all the way down and melting all over everything. He would swear that he had the best memory. I felt like I had to bring things to his attention when those things could put us in some type of danger, but I soon found it was easier to just let the little things go. There were enough bigger things that got me so upset, I couldn’t seem to let them go. There were several times when he would forget to pick me up from work. One time in particular, he said he was going to get gas, instead he went to the bank…took out money…went out of town and left me to walk 5 miles home from work. He didn’t get home until the following day, with no explanation except that somehow it was due to something I said or did. His addiction was combined with ongoing abuse to cause another level of craziness. If I didn’t give him the bank card, I didn’t trust him. If I questioned his whereabouts, I treated him like a child. If I got upset about his cheating, I must be guilty of cheating. The drug addiction along with the abuse, meant I was being hit on a regular basis and I never knew what I did to deserve it other than the reasons he told me which didn’t seem real in my mind or were just plain not true.
When I learned of his addiction, I was finally able to see the cycle. It was usually a three (3) day cycle. He might be able to stay clean for a couple of days, however by the third day he was craving so bad and that is when he would be violent and extremely mean to me. Although I learned the cycle, I did not learn to keep my mouth shut and that is usually the reason I would get hit. Somehow, I still believed I could reason with him. I believed this because there were some days when he truly seemed loving and believable. He would tell me that he wanted help and that he needed me to help him. He would tell me that without me he couldn’t do it. I soon found out these were only words. He was so good at saying the right thing. He always knew how to convince me. I didn’t know this was another characteristic of a drug addict. He was in his own world and there was no reasoning with him. Many of the incidents I described happened before I ever knew he had an addiction and therefore I struggled even more because I thought it was all because of me.
My addiction to him also helped in making me believe in him. After all, he was my “fairytale husband”. If only I could get him to see…If only I could get him to understand…
If Only…
If is such a big word for being so small
It carries so much meaning that may not ever be
If
Hurt #6
Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails
The Bible tells me what love is…this is what I believe
My mind is a cloud. I don’t remember the specific details of each hit. I do remember the types of things that would cause them. I remember the bruises, the headaches, and the heartaches. I remember the lies I had to tell in order to hide what had been done to me. I remember feeling desperate. I remember feelings like I didn’t want to live any more.
It could have been because I looked at someone when I left work and smiled as I said bye; that meant I was cheating on him. He would question me and if I said no, he would call me a damn liar and back up his words with a punch.
It could have been because I stood behind him while in a meeting, that meant I was trying to hide so I could flirt and again I would pay for it when we were alone.
It could have been because I got a call on my cell phone that was the wrong number, and that meant I had a secret code to meet someone; again a reason to hit me.
Most of the incidents were because he thought I was cheating on him or lying to him. At first I thought it was romantic that he was jealous. After all, I had never experienced a kind of love where someone actually loved me enough to care what I did. My thoughts of romance were soon replaced with thoughts of death. There was one incident when he threw a dog bone at me and hit me in the head. My head cut open and started to bleed. There was another time he kicked me in the stomach. Another punch was to my eye, which caused my contact to cut my eye. Usually it was a punch. I say a punch because that is what it felt like to me however, there were many times when he said he “barely tapped me”. Those “taps” always seemed to leave bruises on my body. One incident left me with a black eye and the white of my eye was so filled with blood that I had to wear an eye patch to work. I am sure no one believed the lies I told about the patch after all the bruises they had seen on me. I tried to cover the bruises with make-up, I am sure people saw through my attempted cover up.
I was in an abusive relationship before and I always said I would not ever allow this to happen to me again. When you are in the middle of an abusive relationship, you cannot think straight. You are too busy thinking about you next move and how you are going to survive from one day to the next.
There is not much more to say about this. It is what it is. As much as the physical abuse may have hurt me and as bad as the descriptions may seem, they were actually nothing compared to the mental/emotional abuse. The physical affects would eventually heal however, the mental/emotional scars could last a lifetime.
Through the beginning phases of this abuse, I still had no idea my husband was addicted to crack. Maybe if I would have known, some of these things may not have occurred. Maybe, I would have been able to understand the hurt he was feeling that caused him to react the way he did. Maybe I would have been able to look at him differently and therefore see myself in a different way. Maybe I wouldn’t believe that I deserved what I got because he was the person with the problem not me. Maybe….just maybe….
Love is not supposed to supposed to hurt....
What is truth?
What is true to one person may not be true to another.
What is truth?
Our minds are unique
We process thoughts according to our own knowledge.
Are there really three (3) sides to every story?
Or are there many more depending on the story being told?
As I said before, I have always been labeled as “too nice”. I try to believe the best in everyone, I try to trust everyone, I try to see the good side of every situation, I don’t ever hold a grudge or judge anyone. This is the way my mind works. This is who I am.
If I am told something from someone I love, I believe them. When my husband told me, on our marriage night, that I did not ever have to flinch again because he would always protect me and he would not ever hurt me….I believed him. When he told me our fairytale marriage was real….I believed him. When he told me I could believe in him….I believed him. When he told me he loved me “Like the White Light”….I believed him. I stored all his loving words in my mind. Somehow they helped to balance out all the negative words that had been said to me in my past.
When he told me, shortly after we were married, that he would not ever cheat on me unless it was with someone much better than me….I believed him. When he told me stories of his past and the “bad” things he did….I believed him. When he told me “no black man would ever want me, except to use me until there was nothing left to use”….I believed him. When he called me names and pointed out all the things I did wrong…I believed him. When he told me all he had to do was call “his boys” and they would be here…. I believed him. When he told me I better be prepared because he always took care of business when least expected…. I believed him. When he told me he wouldn’t just get me…he would get my whole family because he didn’t leave witness’…. I believed him. When he told me he would burn my house down…I believed him. As he started to tell me more and more “negative” things, his previous statements started to appear to be lies. The words he said now reinforced all the negative things that I had heard all my life.
I believed him, because I had no reason not to.
Our marriage was based on the Bible and our mutual beliefs. He reminded me what the Bible said about being in a marriage. I was to submit to my husband. I was to forgive 7 x’s7 times. The husband was the head of the wife. We were to become one flesh. He reminded me of our vows. Till death do us part, for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. He knew how my mind would process these reminders.
My mind processed what I knew from my past and what was now my present. As I mentioned in a previous post, I believe the effects of childhood bullying can lead to how a person feels about themselves and can lead to adult abuse both for the abuser and the abused.
His words were like daggers to my mind. His actions were even worse. I remember one time when he got mad at me (for what I don’t remember)…any way, I was sitting on our bed and he started yelling at me and calling me names then said he would burn our room down with me in it. As I sat on the bed he put his cigarette lighter to the mattress and it caught on fire. I was so scared but I couldn’t let it show. I sat there and prayed that God would take me quickly. By his reactions, I think he surprised himself because he tried to put the fire out as it spread faster and faster. He did get it out but the memory would stay burning in my mind for years. It reminded me that I should not ever take for granted anything he said or any of the threats he made.
He kept me humiliated and feeling like I was a disgrace by his actions and words. It became a regular ritual for me to come home from work and him make me take my undergarments off so he could inspect them to be sure I hadn’t cheated on him. He would also “inspect” my private parts for the same reason. I felt so humiliated because he would then tell me I stink or that my body somehow resembled that of a “w (word)”. On one hand my mind knew that what he said was not true…the things he did were not right, on the other hand my mind was so numb I couldn’t think straight because I was too busy trying to think of how to keep things calm.
My mind told me to run…and so I tried, only to be brought back. My mind told me to be scared and yet I had to try to hide my fright. My mind told me that I had no one to turn to and I was stuck. My mind told me I was some sort of bad person, although I couldn’t figure out how or what to do, to be the person he wanted. My mind told me that my life didn’t matter; the only important thing was to protect my children. My mind told me if I wanted to be loved by the person I loved, I had to be the person he wanted me to be and since I couldn’t be that person, no matter how hard I tried, it would be best if I was no longer.
Your Mind can play tricks on you
These tricks can either protect you or harm you
Believe in yourself
Trust in yourself
Love yourself
It is easier said than do
It was my fairytale
Everything I ever dreamed of.
After all that I had been through,
After all the neglect, abuse, lying and cheating,
I finally found the man that would love me for me.
It started with a phone call to help a friend. The calls were short with messages to a mutual friend about his son. Until one day we started to talk about the Bible. We connected in such a way, it was like a whirlwind. We were so alike and yet complete opposites. It had been a long time since I felt this type of connection, the feeling of being accepted for being the person I am. The phrase “you are too nice” has been told to me all my life. Being nice was the one thing I liked about myself. I couldn’t understand why this was always said to me in a negative way. Maybe I was “too nice”…… I always tried to find the good in people and I always tried to believe in people. You would think I would have learned since every relationship I was in proved to me, that I was wrong. Every relationship that I believed in turned out to be a lie. Now I found someone that could relate to my every hurt. I found someone who had been hurt and betrayed to the same degree as I had.
We were exactly the same and completely opposite. We had both recently been in the same type of relationship on opposite sides. He was in prison and his significant other left him, cheated on him and did not stand by him in his time of need. I was engaged to a man in prison and I stood by him for 10 years until he cheated on me and left me as soon as he got out. He is black, I am Hispanic. He is in his early 40’s, I am in my mid 50’s. He grew up on the street, I had a “normal” childhood. We both knew the same type of hurt and understood each other. Our two opposite sides…our two halves could be put together to make a whole. He was tired just as I was. God brought us together for a reason. We could help each other to get over our insecurities and the hurt that had built up in our hearts.
We talked on the phone for about a month and a half and then I flew to St. Louis to meet him. We got married the same day…My fairytale had begun.
All my life I felt left out. I felt like the “black sheep” in every situation……like I was different, like I didn’t fit in. The weekend in St Louis was one of the best weekends of my life. I felt like I belonged and like I was accepted. I will not ever forget the way he held out his hand for me when we walked. I will not ever forget the way he held me when I told him my stories of being abused, the way he told me I would not ever have to flinch again because he would always protect me and not ever hurt me. These things probably seem small to most people, but they were HUGE to me. These were the types of things that defined love for me because I had not experienced them in my past. There are no words to explain the feelings that these two actions gave me. The way he made me feel; took away the pain of my past relationships. He told me he would treat me like a queen and that is exactly what I felt like. I knew i would not ever be alone again. I knew we were one and our love would only grow stronger as we got to know each other and share our lives. It is not often you can find someone that understands your inner most feelings because they also have those same feelings. My husband is a singer/songwriter, he expressed his love for me in songs he wrote and he sang them to me with so much love in his eyes that my eyes would fill with tears when he sang them. I was in a fairytale dream...
I felt special
I felt like I belonged
I could believe, hope & smile again
I could love again
I could be me and still be loved
Fairytales do come true
or at least I thought they did...
It’s not your fault,
You didn’t’ know your words would eat away at my heart.
It’s not your fault,
You didn’t’ know your words would break my spirit.
I don’t blame you,
You couldn’t have known.
I remember my sister once told me that you should be happy most of the time and have a few unhappy days, when you are in a relationship. I was unhappy most of the time and lived for the few days when things were good. I didn’t realize at the time that there was a cycle that I could count on. I was too busy trying to do everything right to be able to notice anything around me. The verbal, mental and emotional abuse was something I had to deal with daily. I did not ever know if I should speak or have an opinion of my own. I was always on edge. There would be times when we would be in the middle of a “normal” conversation; everything would be great and then I would say something wrong and everything would change. If my words were not EXACTLY as he thought I should say them, the accusations and name calling would begin. We came from different life styles, we came from different cultures and evidently, I didn’t know how to speak or express myself correctly. I tried so hard to say the right things in the right way…I just couldn’t get it right. If I talked “too much” or explained things in detail, he would accuse me of treating him like a child. I have been used to talking in detail with my children and family…we talk and repeat the same thing in several ways. We analyze and we discuss in detail, however when I spoke this way with my husband, again, I was accused of treating him like a child and I had to pay the price by being yelled at and called names. If I tried to explain, it just made matters worse. Even as I write this, I feel my heart start to beat fast because I am afraid I am saying “too much”. If my children called me, I had to be careful of every word I spoke in fear he might take something wrong.
I learned how to listen verbatim. If I paraphrased something and didn’t get it right, he would yell at me for “putting words in his mouth”. If I said something and then latter changed it, I was “lying” or “up to something”. If I forgot something, or didn’t remember exactly as it was said days before, I “was stupid” and a “damn liar”. Anything I got wrong could easily be turned into proof that I was cheating on him or that I was somehow putting him down. I wasn’t and I couldn’t find a way to show him.
I felt like I was losing my mind. There were times when I knew something was said or not said. It may have been that I didn’t remember word for word or that I had a different understanding of what was said then he did; it didn’t matter….I was always wrong.
If I argued what I believed I had heard, I would have to pay with his verbal assult on me.
I was a “damn liar”; I was a “m…f…”; I was a “c (word)..”; I was a “b (word)…”; I was “stupid”; “No one could be that naïve, so I must be lying”; I was a piece of “s (word)”; I was a “w (word)”;
His anger was so strong and the tone of his voice was so harsh, when he spoke these words to me, I was scared and felt helpless.
When you are in school, they call it bullying….as an adult it is abuse. Years of hearing the same types of things carried into my adult life reinforcing and strengthening each word and each name as it was yelled at me.
The name calling echoed in my mind every day and it got louder and louder each time the words were repeated.
There was a very fine line between the verbal, emotional and physical abuse. One crossed right over to the next and any one could trigger the other.
In school we learned
“Sticks n Stones may break your bones,
But words will never hurt you.”
My Daddy always told me
“Don’t care what other people think”
Why do his words hurt me so much?
