Addict, Addiction, Addicted
Words of Judgment
Words of disgrace
My husband’s drug addiction…is that what ruined my life? I am not even sure I can say that is true, because I have to be honest and I believe there are a lot of addictions that harm us in different ways. We all have addictions of some type; sometimes we call them habits. We may be addicted to exercise or coffee or gambling or so many other things. It is when our addictions are not in balance that our life can be thrown off. I had several addictions. My addictions were to be loved, to be accepted, and to be wanted. I would do anything to try to achieve those addictions. My addictions also played a part in the craziness of what I am about to tell you.
Two definitions I found, online, are:
- To cause to become physiologically or psychologically dependent on a habit-forming substance
- To occupy (oneself) with or involve (oneself) in something habitually or compulsively; to devote or surrender (oneself) to something habitually or obsessively
To say that my life got crazy or bizarre would not express the true craziness. This was a life I knew nothing of. I was not prepared. It took me a while to even know what was happening. I was so naïve to drugs that again…I did not see the signs. There is a world known to drug addicts that I never knew existed. There is a code amongst addicts that I couldn’t understand. My life would soon become his, in part, due to my own addiction. “To occupy oneself with or involve oneself in something habitually or compulsively”…wow… that describes me exactly. I was addicted to wanting to be loved…I was addicted to wanting to fit in…I was addicted to needing to be needed. We both did things………maybe due to our addictions.
I lied to my family to protect my husband. I became more and more distant from my family because I didn’t want them to see the truth. After all, he was the man that loved me…right? I became a person I had not ever been. I yelled and I cursed at my husband. I hated the person I was turning into and yet I couldn’t stop doing what I was doing. I didn’t know that by doing these things, I belittled him. I was trying to get him to see things my way and I couldn’t understand why/how he could be treating me the way he was. I wanted so much to have the “perfect marriage” without realizing that I was contributing to my own problems.
His crack addiction led him to do things that I am not sure he would have otherwise done. I say I am not sure, because to this day, I do not know if they were drug induced actions or if these things are a part of who he is. I know he lied to me all the time. He convinced me that he needed my 401K savings to go home and invest in a business deal to help us. I believed him because he talked to “his people” on the phone and it sounded real. He lost all the money. I do know that he stole money from me on a regular basis in order to support his need. First it was $50 at a time then it was hundreds at a time. I couldn’t question him because if I did, I would spark his rage. He would take my debit card from my purse and get money before I even realized it was missing. Once I realized what he did, I started sleeping with my purse next to me or I tried hiding my card. He always seemed to find it and the times when he didn’t he found my checks and wrote checks out to himself signing my name. My money was disappearing and I wasn’t able to pay my bills. I know that he kept in contact with people that I would rather not have in my life and that at least one was a female. This certain female would text my husband every morning and I would be furious each morning. That was the way our day would begin. I know he visited porn and single sites on a regular basis. I would find flirtatious messages some of which were very graphic and inappropriate. Again, this would trigger my anger to a point I couldn’t control the things that came out of my mouth. I know he stole all of my valuable jewelry and many household items; my diamonds and pearls were gone; our flat screen T.V. was gone; I would be looking for something random and find it was gone, things that had great sentimental value to me where just all of a sudden gone. All taken, in order to pay for his addiction. When I asked him, of course, he said he didn’t do it. He swore to me that he would not ever steal from me and yet so many things were mysteriously gone… One of the other traits of his addiction, that I finally learned, is that he would lose track of time. He once left the keys in the car with the car running; he left candles burning till they burned all the way down and melting all over everything. He would swear that he had the best memory. I felt like I had to bring things to his attention when those things could put us in some type of danger, but I soon found it was easier to just let the little things go. There were enough bigger things that got me so upset, I couldn’t seem to let them go. There were several times when he would forget to pick me up from work. One time in particular, he said he was going to get gas, instead he went to the bank…took out money…went out of town and left me to walk 5 miles home from work. He didn’t get home until the following day, with no explanation except that somehow it was due to something I said or did. His addiction was combined with ongoing abuse to cause another level of craziness. If I didn’t give him the bank card, I didn’t trust him. If I questioned his whereabouts, I treated him like a child. If I got upset about his cheating, I must be guilty of cheating. The drug addiction along with the abuse, meant I was being hit on a regular basis and I never knew what I did to deserve it other than the reasons he told me which didn’t seem real in my mind or were just plain not true.
When I learned of his addiction, I was finally able to see the cycle. It was usually a three (3) day cycle. He might be able to stay clean for a couple of days, however by the third day he was craving so bad and that is when he would be violent and extremely mean to me. Although I learned the cycle, I did not learn to keep my mouth shut and that is usually the reason I would get hit. Somehow, I still believed I could reason with him. I believed this because there were some days when he truly seemed loving and believable. He would tell me that he wanted help and that he needed me to help him. He would tell me that without me he couldn’t do it. I soon found out these were only words. He was so good at saying the right thing. He always knew how to convince me. I didn’t know this was another characteristic of a drug addict. He was in his own world and there was no reasoning with him. Many of the incidents I described happened before I ever knew he had an addiction and therefore I struggled even more because I thought it was all because of me.
My addiction to him also helped in making me believe in him. After all, he was my “fairytale husband”. If only I could get him to see…If only I could get him to understand…
If is such a big word for being so small
It carries so much meaning that may not ever be