Is it wrong to believe in a person
Is it wrong to think the best of the person
Is it wrong to love someone unconditionally
My husband came home and I was in 7th heaven. I was so excited to begin my long awaited fairytale. I knew in my heart that we would be okay and our dreams would come true. We had worked so hard at understanding each other and at studying God’s word so we would live the right way. The things he did after he came home from prison would destroy all the trust that we had built up while he was gone. The promises he made, were nothing but words.
After about 2 months, he got mad about something and slapped my face. I don’t remember what he got mad about; I just remember how shocked I was that he put his hands on me again. As always, he was sorry and swore it wouldn’t happen again. He never hit me again.
Soon after this incident I realized that he had started using drugs again. Things got more bizarre than before. I don’t know if it is because he was using more or if it was because it was a different type. I am still naïve to this, but I do know that once again my fairytale became a nightmare and this time it was worse in many ways. Although he did not hit me again, there were so many other things that were worse.
His paranoia was so intense that it scared me. I couldn’t reason with him because in his mind his paranoia was real. The things he saw or suspected were real and of course, I needed to be aware or something might happen to me. I am not sure if he got high during the day. I suspect he did and I know he did other things that were totally disrespectful to me and our marriage. He would get high when I got home from work saying he was only going to “do a little”. That “little” would last all night. He would pace around the house in a way that made me scared. He carried a knife with him at all times and if I tried to sleep I would be woken with him standing over me with the knife in his hands. He would watch out the back window with binoculars because, as he said, a house in the next neighborhood would turn on or off their lights when he watched. He would tell me to watch the light and I honestly did not see what he saw but it was real to him. The most bizarre thing he did was due to his paranoia. I would be sitting on the couch and if he happened to come into the room and I moved at the same time he walked in, he would get so angry at me and start yelling and cursing. He was convinced that I had someone inside/or under the couch and I was having sex with them and that is why I moved. I was so scared by the way he would come at me and turn over the couch to see who was under it. Again, I couldn’t reason with him because if I tried it would only get him angrier. If I slept with my legs a bit parted and then closed them because I adjusted in my sleep; that meant I was having sex with someone or something. I was so afraid to do anything. I was afraid to sit on the couch or sleep or do anything because I didn’t know how he was going to react. I soon started to sleep with a knife and carry a knife with me at all times. I didn’t do this to hurt him; I did it because I swore I would not let him hurt me again. I would hurt myself first. I could not live like this again. I wanted to die but I had to do it in a way that he would not get in trouble for it.
There came a time when I knew I couldn’t be in the house with him if he was high. I packed my car with clothes and a jug of water. I told him that if he got high I would not be there. He didn’t seem to care. I slept in my car almost every night because that is where I felt safe. Sometimes I slept in the driveway of our house and other times I slept in parking lots; it all depended on how scared I was. After a while, I started sleeping at my job. I think what hurt the most is that he didn’t care if I was in a parking lot somewhere sleeping in my car. He didn’t care if I was sleeping on a couch at work. All he cared about is that he was able to get high. I believe he actually liked for me to be gone because he was cheating on me. It was no longer just the internet sites, now it was in person and with prostitutes. I found out that he was paying to have sex with prostitutes on a regular basis. I cannot explain the hurt this caused me on so many different levels. First because I believed in him and I believed in our marriage and this showed me he did not have the same beliefs as I did. Second because he continually accused me of cheating on him and therefore was justified in his mind to hurt me and yet he was the one doing it all along. Third because I remembered what he had told me shortly after we got married…”he would not ever cheat on me unless it was with someone better than me.” So this is what he thought of me? A wife who dedicated her life to him, who stuck by him no matter what and he would rather be with a prostitute?
I couldn’t tell my children or anyone else what was going on. I had to keep this all to myself and therefore hurt by myself. No one would understand why I didn’t want to get him in trouble. He continued to tell me he wanted help. I believed him…he was so convincing. His problem was getting worse. His actions were getting worse.
I have been told that you can’t help someone if they don’t want help. I tried to help him. He did not want help. I finally realized there was nothing I could do to help him.
To love someone unconditionally
Is to let them be who they want to be
To love someone unconditionally
Might mean to let them go
To love someone unconditionally
Sometimes hurts
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