Crash #11
Imagine your Highest Highs
The most spectacular events of your life
Imagine your Lowest Lows
The worst events of your life
CRASH
Is it better if I had not ever experienced such Highs in my life? Would it have been better if I had not ever had such high beliefs in someone? Would it have been better if I had not ever had such high hopes for my future? Would it have been better if I had not ever put my total trust in someone? Would it have been better if I did not believe in my fairytale marriage? If I did not experience these things I would not know the blessings of each. If I did not experience these things I would not have crashed so hard.
I was convinced that God had brought us together. After all, we would not have ever met unless this was true. Because of my beliefs, I put all my trust in my husband. I had always held back my emotions; I had never let my heart out to anyone like I did now. I remember telling my husband that this was my last chance to find love. I am 15 years older than he and I convinced myself that if this did not work, I would not ever try again. Having told myself that, I knew I had to give 1000% of myself, I couldn’t hold anything back, I had to trust and believe in him and our marriage. I know marriage takes work and I was willing to do what I needed to do. I knew I was finally going to be happy. I remember acting like teenagers and it felt so good to be giddy and carefree. I remember saying people were going to be jealous of our relationship.
I worked so hard to make our home a place I was proud of. This was a place where everyone was welcome and everyone could feel the love within the walls of our home. We had so many plans and dreams and they all began in our home. Now my house was boarded up. I was afraid to be home alone. The security of my home was gone.
There are three things that I had expected most out of our marriage. I look back now and think maybe I expected too much. Maybe, it wasn’t fair of me to expect what I did. These things were important to me and I expressed these things to my husband even before we got married.
The first was that I was extremely lonely. I hated to go to any family event because I always felt alone. I was the one person just sitting there with no one to talk with. I didn’t fit in. I had to pretend like I was happy, when inside I felt very lonely at ever get together. Now I would not ever be lonely again. I looked forward to family events just so I could be with my husband and not be lonely. Now I am lonelier than I have ever been in my life. It hurts more to be lonely when you are with someone than to be lonely when you are by yourself.
The second was to make sure my Dad knew he never had to worry about me again. I have had such bad experiences in the past and I always felt like I put worry on my Dad. I had a husband that promised to love and protect me. I couldn’t wait for my Dad to meet him so he would know he didn’t ever have to worry about me again. Now I have caused more worry and pain to my family because of the things that happened. How can I ever make this up to my Dad?
The third was to have someone love me for who I am. Someone that would love me no matter what and that I could love back with love unconditional. I had the kind of love that was so strong that my husband would dedicate his life to me and I to him. I was on my highest high and in love “Like the White Light”. I have the experience of love even if it were for only one weekend in St Louis. I was blessed with that weekend. Now all I have is a memory.
Everything else was taken from my heart.
The things that I lost cannot ever be replaced by anyone except the person that took them
I had everything I ever dreamed of and more
I believed and had hope for my future
All was taken away from me
I Crashed
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