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Beginning of the End #13

The pressure builds

The disappointments mount

The disrespect grows

And yet it is usually something small that will put you over the edge

The last straw

How much hurt is one person supposed to take

The problems were getting worse.  The drug use was getting worse and he was taking more money.  He wrote out checks and signed my name which caused me to overdraw at the bank. He didn’t seem to care if I could pay the bills or not; all he cared about is his drug.  His cheating with prostitutes was getting worse. The one thing that was better is that he hadn’t put his hands on me all this time. Now, that had also changed.  I had made a comment about his cheating on me with prostitutes and he put his hands around my neck and started shaking me vigorously.  He said it was because of my mouth….why couldn’t I keep my mouth shut.  It is funny how these serious things were not what finally broke me.  The beginning of the end was because he pawned his wedding ring.  He had always told me that he would not take off his wedding ring for anything.  Now I knew he cared more about his addictions than he cared about our marriage.  To realize that he would spend money on drugs and other women and he would pawn his wedding ring to do that was the last final confirmation I needed to know our marriage was over.  This was the most disrespectful thing he could have ever done to me.

I was numb to my feelings because it was easier to stay numb then to hurt.

His made some decisions that would change my heart forever.  The final steps he took showed me that I couldn’t help him anymore.  He didn’t want help.  First he sold our Mac computer for an $85 rock.  This computer had all our business information on it and it had all his music on it.  His music was his life so for him to sell this showed me he didn’t care about anything anymore. The next thing he did was that he told me that he could get $750 for my camera.  (He latter he told me he would not have taken it, I don’t believe this)  I started taking my camera with me everywhere I went because I was afraid he would take it and this was the one and only thing I had left that meant anything to me.  I was always on edge and couldn’t take living like this anymore so I finally agreed to give him the $750.  I gave him all of my bill money.  He said he would be gone for a minimum of three months.  I asked him to not contact me.  I told him to leave and not ever look back. The money didn’t matter as much as him leaving and not returning.  No matter how much it hurt to see him go, I needed the hurt to go away.  He used up the money in two days and came back to the house.  I couldn’t believe he was back.  I had finally convinced myself that I would be okay without him and I was prepared to be without him in my life.  After a few days, I asked him what it would take for him to leave and not ever look back.  He said for me to get him a ticket to his hometown and give him $300 spending cash.  I borrowed the money, got him a flight and gave him the cash he asked for.  Again, I asked that he leave and not ever look back. 

I was done.  I could finally breathe again and not have to worry about being hurt in any way…mentally, physically…or financially.  With him gone, I could finally heal.

After only a couple of days he called me and was on his way home.  Things did not go the way he expected in his home town.  He learned that I was the only one who loved and cared about him…I couldn’t take it anymore.

When he got back he went straight to rehab.  He had them pick him up at the airport and I didn’t even see him. 

A week later, it was 2 am and I was asleep.  I woke up suddenly because the light in my bedroom turned on.  There he was standing at the foot of our bed.  Shocked….I felt like I was going to pass out.

He was home for two weeks.  It was during this time that I was in the process of trying to get my house re-financed.  He showed me he could be a true husband.  He helped me around the house; he cleaned and painted and showed me love and respect.  I came home from work in the middle of the day and asked him if he was high.  He held me so lovingly and promised me that he was not; he promised me that he would tell me if he got the urge.  When I got home at lunch, he was high.  This was the end; I asked him to leave and told him ONCE again I did not ever want to see him again.  I told him if he was not gone by the time I got home after work, I would call his PO.  I told him I didn’t want him hurt; I just wanted him gone and it was his decision on how he was going to leave.  He said he would be gone and I locked the doors with him in the backyard.  I got home from work and he was still in the back yard.  I told him he needed to leave before the police got there and he would not leave.  It took a couple of hours until he finally left; his PO and the police arrived and soon after found him sitting at a bus stop near our house.

The way he held me was the same as he did our first night in St. Louis when he told me I would not ever have to be afraid again.  I didn’t think he could hurt me worse than he already had; this hug was the most disrespectful thing and the most hurtful feeling he could impose on me….the way we began is the way we would end…with a hug filled with so much love.

I have heard that God only gives you as much as he thinks you can handle

He must think awfully high of me

I really can’t handle this any more

Why God….Why

• We wish to promote unity among multicultural lovers of literature, writers and readers - anyone that brings a book to life.
• We support the self-determination that is needed to create a personal work of art. To define ourselves and not be defined by others is all that we ask.
• This literary community is an example of the beauty of collective work and responsibility. Do your best, give your best, and live up to your word. You are building your legacy.
• Buying books and services from people that look like you is the cooperative economic concept that has helped every successful immigrant (Korean, Italian, Jewish - they all buy from "their own" first and others second) in America. It has taken us way too long to accomplish this, however it is never too late.
• Our purpose has been the building and developing of this growing community to help others create better books, get the information needed to do so and to connect with others that can assist in the journey. When our brothers and sisters do well, we at the top of the world.
• The creativity that has come forth and is exhibited amongst our membership has been overwhelming. We learn something from every new member interview or poetry show. We are just happy to be able to say "I knew them when . . ." because there are many simmering stars in this community.
• We will always believe that we can achieve greatness by helping each other. We have faith in the real hearts of our people . . . the "crabs in the barrel" attitude cannot last forever. There is more than enough money and success to go around to everyone in the literary field. Competition is a good thing, it keeps you fresh. Never forget that our faith in you will never diminish.
• Happy Holidays from all of us at the Black Author Showcase!