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Reflections #14

Reflections

 Is Love Blind

Or do we choose to see only what we want

 I can see clearly now

We all have to look in the mirror to see ourselves.  Sometimes we do not see what others see.  We see what we believe about ourselves not necessarily what is real.  Sometimes we see what our mind tells us and sometimes we see what our heart tells us; our self-image may be a mixture of both.  

The story I have told is very 'one-sided' in many ways.  It tells of the hurt I felt.  This hurt was real to me, however it does not tell of the hurt I caused that was just as real to my husband.  When I face my judgment day, I will have to account for every word I spoke and ever thing I did.  I have to reflect on me because this is the only way I can heal. 

When I look back I cannot believe some of the things I did.  This was not me.  I say that, I believe this, and I know it to be true; so why can't I accept the same from my husband?  Why can't I accept that the things he did were not who he really is?  I must accept this just as I ask him to accept me for who I am...who I truly am even through the things I did.

I yelled and I cursed.....oh how I yelled.   I said hateful and hurtful things.  I was selfish and controlling.  At the time, I would have argued each of these admissions.  At the time, I would have believed I was doing the right thing.  I know now that I caused my husband to hurt in many ways also.  I must admit my faults.  The first is that I did not respect him as my husband; I did things that belittled him.  I had been a single mom for 20 years and had only my son to turn to.  This became a habit for me and I didn’t realize the hurt it caused my husband.  If there was something to be done; I would instantly say “let me ask (my son)” I should not have done this, I should have asked and accepted my husband’s word and opinion.  Another variation of this is that he would say something and I would not acknowledge that he said it until I heard the same thing from someone else.  By doing this I made him feel like I was not listening and I didn’t put any importance to what he said; it made him feel like I cared what others thought or said more than what he thought or said.  I should have known this because I felt the same way.  I have a very bad habit of talking…and talking…and talking…This caused many pains.  First it made my husband feel like I was treating him like a child.  It is not uncommon for me to say something several different ways and many times over.  I did not mean to make him feel like a child, this is something I really need to work on because not only did this cause my husband pain; I was also causing some of my own pain.  My husband would tend to “tune me out” after a while or after my story was repeating and this would make me feel like he was not listening or like he didn’t care what I had to say when in reality I was saying the same things over and over again. 

The next fault of mine is that I was very controlling. I had to have everything my way because if I controlled the way things were, I would be sure they were done correctly.  I was so used to doing everything for myself and my children.  In my mind I had to do everything to be sure all was taken care of; I had to be sure all problems were solved.  Because of my mind set, I took charge in every situation and did not allow my husband to be the “man of the family”.  My mind had convinced me that I was taking care of him.  I would nag about everything; thinking that I was just making sure everything was getting done.  The Bible says it is Better to live out in the desert than with a nagging, complaining wife. Proverbs 21:19  & Proverbs 27:15 says An endless dripping on a rainy day and a nagging wife are alike.  This was me and I had no idea I was hurting him and I was not acting like his wife.  I was being a mom like I have always been.  He didn’t need a mom he needed a wife.    

One of the faults that I hate about myself the most is in the things that came out of my mouth.  It is still hard for me to believe that I cursed the way I did.  I had not ever cursed like this before in my life.  I not only cursed, I said some very hurtful and hateful things.  I told my husband he was a crack-head whore, I told my husband that I hated him.  There is no way for me to say I am sorry for the words that came out of my mouth. 

The guilt I feel for the ugly words I said and the way I acted will haunt me forever….who am I to complain about the names he called me when I did the same to him?  Who am I to judge him when I will have to stand before God for the things I did to him?

Stop … Think … Reflect

Only God can judge

We are all unique in the way God made us

Stop and see who you are before you judge others

Think and Thank God for all of our differences

No one is perfect … we all have faults

 Reflect and look inside yourself

Where have I been? Well, it has been an incredible year for me. When I welcomed 2010, I had no idea what was in store, I had my dreams,wishes, hopes and prayers on the line but as always, I kept myself open to allow things to happen and boy did they.

Where should I begin? 2010 has proven to be a year of empowerment. It was the year that my professional life took on a completely different turn. I was appointed to serve in a position that allows me to make a huge difference in healthcare. A dream position only I didn't even dream or think about it. However, once the opportunity was presented, I accepted it without blinking. It was the answer to my other dreams, the ones I actually had. 

By May not only was I appointed to a five year term, I had the nerve to proclaim that we're going to do an Off Broadway Show based on the audio book series, The Day That Changed My Life Cancer an uncertain journey. I know, sounds ridiculous doesn't it border line insane. I'm sure that's what my family thought as well. However, I knew we could do it. I spoke to my husband about it and he thought it was a big stretch, but knowing me, he knew I would have to do it first and see how impossible or difficult it would be for me to be convinced not to go through with it. So he went along with me just for peace sakes.

Next up my daughter, a singer/songwriter. I told her that I needed a theme song for the play. Of course there was no script but the concept was there and that's all I needed. Being my daughter, she fell for it and in no time contacted a Grammy winning producer whom she is currently working with and the song was on it's way to being written and produced.

My other daughter, who bless her heart did not see me coming, was in for the awakening of her life - one that I recently invaded. Word on the home front was that she was interested in becoming a screenwriter and had recently taken a course and that was it for me. I found my playwright. We had a meeting, I threw out my ideas, discussed the premise and other details and by the end of our meeting, she agreed to write the play. 

Next up, my brother in-law. A professional at marketing & promotions on a large scale - we're talking major in entertainment/corporate. He directed the photo shoot for the poster, worked on ideas for the web site and other areas to make it happen.

My adopted daughter worked as the assistant from placing the ads for the auditions, working on the auditions, creating flyers, doing the foot work, making calls and filling in where needed. By the time we hit the stage for opening night, it was all hands on deck. Whether it was making the audience gift bags, loading the van, setting up and working behind the scenes, everyone, all of my children and their friends were on board. 

After literally pulling together the in house resources we were on board to see it through from auditions, meetings, rehearsals, photo sessions, auditions, finding a venue, auditions, costumes, props, stage manager, tickets, on air interviews, blogging, show programs,poster, make up artist, video-documentary and more. All this to say, it was in no way easy. From May to October, we pulled it off and to rave reviews -- from strangers!

During this exciting period, I traveled for meetings and conferences as a speaker and consultant. I was also the keynote speaker for a High School graduation. I worked more than I ever did and enjoyed every moment of it even through the most challenging situations. The challenges were really motivators for me. They kept me on my toes, never thinking it cannot be done but instead we're on a roll here - no time to stop. Perhaps we slowed down a bit then roll over or around it. In the end, it always worked in our favor.

The end of 2010 and my husband directed an Off Broadway Play in New York City in the Lincoln Center area, produced by me, my daughters playwright and theme song composer - my entire family can say that they had an experience they never imagined to be a part in - I sure didn't. I can tell you that there were those who wondered if anyone would be interested in seeing a play about cancer, well let me share with you, we had an audience of survivors, folks who heard about the play and flew in to see it, repeaters to see the other nights performances, etc. In fact, we have people asking for us to return so others can see. 

I had planned to complete my book this year but unless I can write a book in the next 24 hours, it will have to go on the list for the upcoming year. So as usual, I have my dreams, wishes, hopes and prayers for the things I would love to accomplish in 2011. Who knows what else is in store for me? I have no idea but you guessed it, I can't wait to find out.