Posted by Deidre Logan on January 12, 2009 at 6:08pm
There was a time when I used to be amazed at the number of seemingly grown men who were unwilling to be responsible for their own lives and for those of the families they made. Like everyone else, I’ve seen the increasing dismal statistics of fatherlessness in the American community. I would even go so far as to say there is pandemic manlessness as well. Men in our extended families are also becoming increasingly rare. What seems to be commonplace now are families with lots of women, young children, and old men. Young men are few and far between – and getting fewer all the time.Many women have rushed to blame the men for this. After all, ultimately it is their choice to leave; their choice to follow the examples, or the lack thereof, that preceded them. These are grown men and entirely accountable for their action and/or inaction – granted.However, I submit to you that many women – particularly many single mothers – are in the deepest denial about their contribution to this pandemic. In their zeal to raise good sons they have often neglected to raise responsible men who would actually be suitably productive husbands and fathers. So many single mothers, mothering from the own pains and issues, often deliberately or incidentally surrogate their children into “pseudo-spouses”. In the process, these children often receive severely mixed messages. On the one hand, they are constantly reminded of how much they resemble all the worst traits in their fathers. On the other, their mothers are quick to lay guilt trips on them if they dare to establish an independent identity or a different significant female relationship. These boys get angry and resentful, so the mother’s remedy is often to indulge them. They are rewarded with material things in return for their faithfulness to fulfilling their mother’s wishes.And so the cycle continues until the sex drive takes over. Now, these same young men start “mating and procreating” with no significant grasp of the level of responsibility that creates. However, thinking that they do, they often “try” to be there. That usually lasts until he gets overwhelmed and/or it’s not fun anymore. She wakes up one day without him; and grandma is raising babies once again. Why? Because we have spawned yet another generation of people who believe the universe exists solely to serve them. If it doesn’t, then there is clearly something wrong with the universe – it couldn’t possibly be something wrong with them. We’ve created yet another generation of perfect pimps and then we get mad at them when they behave accordingly. We often create the monsters that come back to kill us.How do we stop it? Here are three things we can do: 1) Put them out of their parents’ house by age 21 – sooner if they don’t go to college at 18; 2) stop letting them have sex in a home they don’t have a lease/mortgage on; and 3) stop letting them move their girlfriends into that same house.Brain surgery – it is not!Speaking the truth in love,Deidre
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Posted by Deidre Logan on December 15, 2008 at 11:43pm
Like most people, I have often heard the all-too-common refrains, "you can't help who you love", "it just happened", or "one thing led to another". Most often, I hear this from women who are attempting to justify their ill-advised involvement in some situation that has come back to bite them in the behind.Ladies, I'm about to set you free!! None of these assessments is accurate. The truth is - you absolutely, unequivocally "help" who you love; it did not just happen; and one thing did not lead to another. You either made it happen or you allowed it to happen. Now, you're free because either way, the situation is in your control. For purposes of this entry, however, I will focus on the 'who you love' issue as it concerns unhealthy romantic love.Contrary to popular opinion, love is not accidental, incidental, or happenstance. It isn't random, arbitrary, or evolutionary. It happens by the sheer force of two independent wills focused in the same direction. It happens because the two people involved wanted it to happen, and have usually expended considerable effort to make sure that it did happen. Love is not a hole in the sidewalk waiting for you to blindly fall into it. Love is the by product of mental and physical time and effort deliberately put forth to create and continue feelings of infatuation and romance.We've all seen the situations where people have gotten involved in emotional and/or physical intimacies with someone they were "just friends" with. The usual protests go something like "I don't know how it happened", "I never intended for it to happen", or "I couldn't help myself". The facts are that these relationships never just happen. They occur after days, weeks, and months of finding big and small ways to perpetuate the ectasy of illicit attraction.That fact alone begs the question, is it really love you've created? You might think it is. Your partner may even agree. The truth is you've created a fantasy that can only survive in the bubble of the manipulated realities you've invented. That's why the magic dies under the stresses and strains of real life. No longer able to shield your "love" from the side effects and consequences of real life, you usually soon find that your "love" fades.In short, true love is a series of choices that you get emotional about. It is not merely an emotion or a feeling that you just helplessly fall into like a hole in the sidewalk. True love is deliberate. It lasts, not because of how you feel about eachother - but because of your dedication to your commitment to eachother.Speaking the truth in love,Deidre
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